Meet Alice Swanepoel, no relation to Through The Looking Glass.
Alice Swanepoel has been unlucky in love.
*some shite song by The Cranberries plays*
Unlucky In Love Alice Swanepoel thought to herself one day, whilst reaching down to fasten her caramel kitten heels (not too sexy!), ‘What the fuck, I’m gonna get myself a nice, rich, older man. Why? Because I’m hot, I have non-slip tiles, and I deserve it!’
And by jove doesn’t she!
So Unlucky In Love Alice Swanepoel decided to join Sugardaddie.com. Because why go out for crumpet when you can call in!
Now Lord knows interdolly dating is a minefield. Sometimes, you just never know what you’re going to get. One minute you’re MSN-ing or RSPCA-ing some nubile 30-something with hair you could plait, next thing you know you’re staring at Yusuf from the all-night kebabbery as he wipes garlic sauce from your chin whilst thinking, ‘Does this make me look more, or less, attractive?’
But Unlucky In Love Alice Swanepoel got a sniff. It was from a man called James (didn’t see that one coming, did you?) and James seemed nice and chatty and charming and something else beginning with c and most importantly, rich. Remember, Unlucky In Love Alice Swanepoel deserves it!
Stuff ensues. We haven’t got all day.
Then James Hewitt, the bloke who shagged Diana, Late Princess of Wales and tried to sell some love letters and who shall forever be referred to as ‘a cad’, sent Lucky In Love Alice Swanepoel a picture of him in a towel. That’s it up there.
‘I thought maybe he’d taken the photo on holiday. I actually replied asking if the hotel was in Austria because I’d been to Austria and the carved furniture was quite distinctive.’
Alice Swinepoel is also well-travelled.
Oh but then you’ll never guess… the pictures got all saucy. Cock and everything.
‘I was shocked!’ says Alice, fanning her flange.
So shocked, she found herself posing in the time-honoured ‘Could a real woman get sent pornographic pictures over the internet by cad James Hewitt?’ style for the Daily Mail.
*sings, ‘When you get caught between the Moon and New York City…’*