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Do you remember that slightly creepy brother and sister act called Same Difference off-of X Factor last year (or was it the year before?)? No, neither do we

You kind of would, right?

So, this is the guy half of Same Difference. His name is *looks for notes, can’t find them, sticks a new pin in an effigy of workie* something something.

He appeared with freaky sister at G-A-Y’s on Saturday. Might have been Friday, but we’re pretty sure it was Saturday. 

And he took his clothes off. And as we applaud any young man who takes his kit off for the gays, we will applaud. And as we find him actually rather very attractive, we will applaud with just one hand.

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Finally, scientists come up with the research we’ve been pouring money into for years: hard drinkers live longer than abstainers! We’ll drink to that!


It’s the kind of research that restores your faith in science, scientists and all who sail in or around them. Hard drinkers live longer than non-drinkers! They also have a whole load more fun, but that bit’s not scientific. Not yet, anyhow *sips pre-lunch Bombay and tonic. Enjoys the fizz on the nose*

In a paper – which we are having laminated! – entitled Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, the following findings were, erm, found *twizzles cocktail with twizzle stick*

‘Even though heavy drinking is associated with higher risk for cirrhosis and several types of cancer (particularly cancers in the mouth and esophagus), heavy drinkers are less likely to die than people who have never drunk.’ See! And that was in Time, that was. And Time wouldn’t lie. Not to us.

To cut a very long paper short, findings have found that it’s difficult to put a finger on the reasons why non-drinkers are worst off (out of heavy drinkers, moderate drinkers and non-drinkers) but think that a contributing factor might be that people who don’t drink are more likely to be depressed (we’ll say!)

We now call for a summary closing down of all AA outlets. We’ve lost too many friends to that disease.

PS me-me-me encourages you to drink responsibly. Or irresponsibly. As long as you drink. Now, where’s that goddamn workie? This drink is all but dry.

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Kylie dances with the Midget Academy of America. That’s her towering over the others in the middle!

She's so tiny!

Now, you might be thinking that the main question here is how the freak does Kylie Minogue – ‘Good evening, America!’ – get onto America’s Got Talent in the first place when she is not even a footnote in that fine country’s pop history? But then Thelma Houston who hasn’t had a hit since 1973 was on last week, so we’re assuming the bookers will take anyone. Next week: Su Pollard sings her smash hit ‘Starting Together’.

But our main concern is that, bearing in mind the Minogue is literally so small she gives you the creeps when you meet her (it’s like shaking the hand of a Tiny Tears doll – only a Tiny Tears doll still has full use of her tear ducts), how did they find a whole troupe of dancers smaller than her?

Is it a triumphant return to form for the Mini-Pops? See the ‘performance’ over the jump sponsored by Sainsbury’s own brand Cottage Cheese… (more…)

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How many of these Coronation Street ‘hunks’ would you bum? Our number is surprisingly shockingly horrifyingly high!

Four out of five ain't bad

When it comes to Britain’s Best-Loved Soap (there should be a little TM there, but we can’t remember how to do it and workie has phoned in with a Notting Hill Carnival-related ‘upset tummy’. We’ll be the judge of that. We will also be the jury of that and the executioner of that when that turns up tomorrow…), the bar boy-wise has always been reassuringly low.

Yes, Kenneth Barlow may look good for someone pushing 90 and Kevin Webster has a certain hairy-chested/dirty-fingernails appeal, but nothing to put our underwear in any danger of soilage. And yet, when they round up five of the big ones for a Vanity Fair-style shoot to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the soap, we find that we would allow our lingerie to be removed by… four of them!

OK, so Steve McDonald, centre, would smell of fags and deep-fried food, but he’s funny, so we might overlook it. Kieran, front right, is heavily tattooed and has one of those really grating accents but on the upside he’s big and probably heavy. Think about that for a moment.

Nick Tilsley, front left, has ears that are too big but isn’t bad and we think he might swing while Peter Barlow, back right, has a certain rough nastiness about him that works if you catch us in the right mood.

The only one we are going to rule out is John Stapes. Nothing to do with his kidnapping past, he just didn’t look hot in a prison tracksuit. And if you can’t look hot in a prison tracksuit, then there really is no hope.

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‘I thought the cocaine was gum’

Liar, liar, bum's on fire...

Paris Hilton is all kinds of retarded. 

Shall we end it there? Do we need a back story? Which includes words like, ‘Paris Hilton’ and ‘arrested’ and ‘possession of cocaine’ and ‘lying through her fake teeth’ and ‘c’ and even, if we’re really lucky, ‘d’?

That okay? 

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Warning! Naked lady! Female lady at that!


Too late.

This is Gail Porter off-of alopecia, recreating that Houses of Parliament pose from ten years ago. ‘Member? FHM beamed her naked onto the Houses of P? ‘Member?

We were drunk at the time and thought it was a poppers-related blur in our left eye. Either that or the Second Coming, which is not unlike the first in that it will never. Ever. Happen.


Apparently we’re supposed to like Gail Porter just because she went bald. Sympathy or pity or one of those words people bandy about when they can’t think of anything else to say. Admittedly it’s been a while because we severed all contact at the first glimpse of our reflection on the top of her head, but in ye olde days we found Gail Porter a whole lot of rude. Maybe the alopecia’s mellowed her – a rude can change its spots – but really, none of this is any excuse for a) the tattoos and b) getting naked all over again. No-one needs to see that. Or it.

Apparently, she’s now ‘comfortable in her own skin.’

Well bully for you, lady. Just keep it to yourself next time. 



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Kick? Boxing? Kick boxing? There is a point to this. 

*checks notes; finds something delicious*

Kerry Katona is now bumming this bloke. He’s called Scott Gibson. Whatever for?

Scott Gibson is a kick-boxer. Course he is.

Which at least means he knows his way round a glove. Which must come in handy when shagging Kerry Katona. 

You remember Kerry Katona, right? The cunty one? 

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Hands up if you want to bum Cliff Richard


Cliff Richard – or ‘you big gay’ to his friends – has gone all topless for his 2011 calendar. We’re already up to November. 

Some people might be frothing at this. And if you press the red button in the corner of your screen right now, you get the cock shot. Nice, sturdy and quite fresh.


He is 69.


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