‘British people are not human,’ says the vice-president of the country just about to throttle a young boy to death for being accused of homosexuality.

Keep taking the medication...

This man here, the vice-president of Iran, who is smiling because the voices in his head have just told him if he carries on being a prize cunt he will get 37 virgins in heaven – all to himself! – has had a little froth at the fanny about Her Majesty’s rather marvelous Great Britain. Well actually, he honed in on England, but we say Great Britain ’cause the Scots always moan in they get left out.
‘They have plundered the world in the last 500 years,’ beginneths his hissy fit. ‘And the young lad in charge now is even more stupid than his predecessor.’

Okay, we’ll give you that one, Mohammad-Reza Rahimi. You forgot to add he also has a face like a rancid old breast implant and the morals of, well, a Tory.

‘England has nothing.’

*sobs*

‘Its inhabitants are not human.’

*checks DNA*

‘Its officials are not responsible.’

*calls the fire brigade*

‘And it doesn’t even have any natural resources.’

Oh, honey, you just had to go there, didn’t you! Besides, apart from being factually inaccurate, last we checked a country’s inhabitants had little-to-no say on its natural resources.’

*stamps feet and holds breath until oil wells up beneath parts of Lewisham*

Ooh wait just one cotton-picking minute. There’s more.

‘They are a bunch of thick people ruled by a mafia.’

*checks the small print on double-first degree from a very well known university (don’t really want to show off at this point. That would seem churlish); needs wet wee; asks mafia godfather if it’s okay to go to the toilet*

But before us Brits go getting all cocky, Lady Rahimi laid into a bunch of other nations, too.

On Australians:

‘A bunch of cow herders.’

On South Koreans:

‘(They should be) smacked in the mouth until they become human.’

Not many actual humans in the world-according-to-Iran, are there?

Simon Gass, Britain’s ambassador in Tehran (poor bastard) and what is known in the business as a sane man, said the following:

‘The contribution made by Britain in shaping the modern world, from invention to cultural achievements, values and respect for individual rights, has been clearly and rightly recorded in history and is respected throughout the world.’

Touché.

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