If your good Christian daughter is hanging out with the gays, it may be because she has spots. Whatever. It’s bound to lead to a life of unhappiness where she can’t even accompany her husband to a business event without flirting with gay waiters across a frosted margarita. And other words of wisdom from the Christians.

Beware those frosted cocktails!

Can anyone work out whether Christwire (‘Conservative values for an unsaved world’!) is for real or an elaborate, brilliant and very well put together joke for us?

With features like ‘Warning! Black music infiltrates the minds of future homemaking white women’, ‘My sassy child is out of control’ and ‘Why do rabbits rape cats?’ it’s got to be a joke, right? Right? You can never tell with the Christians.

The article that caught our eye was this warning to parents to not let their daughters become fag hags. The research behind such a recherche bit of child-rearing advice includes the findings that…

‘Homosexuals of all ages and young women share many similar obsessions – clothes, gossip and melodramatic TV shows – and this is what draws them together.’

‘The more time a girl spends with her homosexual friends, the more she will fall under the influence of their habits and mannerisms… Most mimic homosexual facial expressions, tending to frown and wince a great deal to evince a disdainful attitude towards the world.’

‘Instead of cultivating a delicate, feminine look, many dress in black clothes and heavy shoes. Some keep their cheeks pale and wear not enough lipstick.’ (Honey, none of the fag hags we know would go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without a full face of make-up!)

‘Young girs are lured into what passes for a “glamorous” lifestyle in the big cities of America – flashy friends, models and actors, days spent shopping at Bloomingdales…’ Bloomingdales?

But the real reason the gays are bad to hang out with… ‘The homosexual is like a locust – limber, voracious and without conscience.’ We’ll give you limber. It’s all the yoga. ‘They consume everything in their path, stripping the purest things bare, leaving them barren and alone in the cold night air. They will rampage through cities and cultures, whether it’s San Francisco or the Brazilians or the hallowed chambers of the Vatican.’

Phew, we feel jiggered out after all of that rampaging. We might have to relax with a melodramatic TV show.

But are these people for reals? Are they? For reals?

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More dolly #content:

5 comments to “If your good Christian daughter is hanging out with the gays, it may be because she has spots. Whatever. It’s bound to lead to a life of unhappiness where she can’t even accompany her husband to a business event without flirting with gay waiters across a frosted margarita. And other words of wisdom from the Christians.”

  1. Alas and alack, I fear that Christwire.org appears to be real and utterly serious without a deadpan in sight. For starters, there are none of the tongue-in-cheek remarks, implied inverted commas, and other indicators of satire — such as those we’ve come to know and love on me-me-me-tv.com and similar outlets (e.g., The Onion). For encores, if you find the “About the author” section at the bottom of the Christwire pages and click through to Mr. Billings’ Facebook page, the list of his interests pegs him as a True Believer — again, without the slightest hint of self-deprecating humor or satire (perhaps apart from the ironic? appropriate? backside shot that is his main profile photo) . In short, one cannot make these people up — indeed, one does not have to. Right, cheers, thanks a lot. -M.

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  2. Is ‘the Brazilians’ a place now then? I might go there for my holidays.

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  3. *becomes a fag hag*

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  4. I recently featured a link from that website on my CLOGGING FOR JESUS group on Facebook (look it up!). It was only after the salacious rabbit story that I began to think it was all a farce. I’m still not sure! I guess it says a lot that christians have gone so wacky that even the best of us internet savvy media queens can’t tell what’s satire & what’s genuine christian news & views anymore!

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  5. They consume everything in their path
    Stripping the purest things bare
    Leaving them barren and alone
    In the cold night air

    That’s got Number One Hit written all over it.

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