When it comes to Britain’s Best-Loved Soap (there should be a little TM there, but we can’t remember how to do it and workie has phoned in with a Notting Hill Carnival-related ‘upset tummy’. We’ll be the judge of that. We will also be the jury of that and the executioner of that when that turns up tomorrow…), the bar boy-wise has always been reassuringly low.
Yes, Kenneth Barlow may look good for someone pushing 90 and Kevin Webster has a certain hairy-chested/dirty-fingernails appeal, but nothing to put our underwear in any danger of soilage. And yet, when they round up five of the big ones for a Vanity Fair-style shoot to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the soap, we find that we would allow our lingerie to be removed by… four of them!
OK, so Steve McDonald, centre, would smell of fags and deep-fried food, but he’s funny, so we might overlook it. Kieran, front right, is heavily tattooed and has one of those really grating accents but on the upside he’s big and probably heavy. Think about that for a moment.
Nick Tilsley, front left, has ears that are too big but isn’t bad and we think he might swing while Peter Barlow, back right, has a certain rough nastiness about him that works if you catch us in the right mood.
The only one we are going to rule out is John Stapes. Nothing to do with his kidnapping past, he just didn’t look hot in a prison tracksuit. And if you can’t look hot in a prison tracksuit, then there really is no hope.