This year’s Strictly Come On Our Tits line-up is dot-dot-dot

Strictly? STRICTLY?! Strictly? Not a lot!

Scott Maslen off-of EastBeastyBenders! 

*claps, for reasons such as these*

We are poised with our pause button. We may even dress for the occasion. Light a few candles, create a cloud of Chanel Pour Monsieur and walk through it, bake.

The other bummable ones are Jimi Mistry off-of East is East and, we’re sure, other stuff as well as Gavin ‘Muppet’ Henson off-of no longer Charlotte Church. Even if there isn’t a single male bone in his body. There’s also Matt Baker off the telly, but he’s a little NSG  (Narrow Shouldered Gay) for us. No idea whether he’s gay or not, but that’s no bar to being an NSG. It’s called equality, ho’kay?

We’d go through the entire list in a patronizing way like they might do on The One Show or Daybreak (also known as Dear God Make It Stop) – we might even put on an accent. Not that strange paint-stripper thing Christine Bleakley uses, mind. We’re not some robot from the future! – but we’re assuming you can read the names under the pictures.

Also in the show are:

– Vile homophobe Ann Widdecombe, who has taken time out from frothing over pictures of the Pope (they share the same dentist! She’s hoping to get a little Popey DNA) to shave her trotters into the form of human feet so she can wear a dancing slipper.

– Felicity ‘not half as cute as she thinks she is’ Kendal Mint Cake

– Michelle Williams (this is not the time to do a compare and contrast with Beyonce)

– Pamela Stephenson (still waiting to laugh at a Billy Connolly joke, incidentally. Analyze that!)

– Patsy Kensit (love. Her. One of the most fun people we ever interviewed)

– Goldie

– Kara Tointon (one of the most boring people we ever interviewed)

– Paul Daniels (please do a trick! Please do a trick! Please do a trick!)

– Peter Shilton (absolutely no idea)

– Tina O’Brien off-of Corrie.

Of the above, the cunt will be played by Ann Widdecombe. And if anyone even feels the slightest twinge of affection for her whilst she’s rolling about like a zeppelin in a condom, just remember she is everything – and we mean everything – that is sick and wrong in a person

But apart from Prize Cunt Ann Widdecombe, it’s quite a good line-up, right? We may even tip the balance so that Strictly gets the majority of our Saturday night telly time, in favour of the contrived and morally dubious X Factory. And can’t you just wait to re-live Cheryl’s malaria? It was boring enough first time round.

 

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5 comments to “This year’s Strictly Come On Our Tits line-up is dot-dot-dot”

  1. Matt Baker gets my vote – hope he can dance?
    Poor sod who has to try and train Ann Doesn’t-own-a-comb!!

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  2. Mind you they can train seals to clap, so in theory it’s possible……

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  3. Apparently Matt Baker used to be a gymnast AND a disco dancing champion, so I’d say he stands a good chance. Looking forward to Scott Maslen the most though..

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  4. Ann is looking hot. Can’t wait to see her Dashing White Sergeant.

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  5. Oh, Angela Lansbury………that’s a cracker of a comment!! My money would be on the seal if I had to choose!

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