Seeing as it’s a, and we quote, ‘slow news day’ and the Catholic Cunt has finally left our pretty shores, we have very little choice but to report on the Twitter battle betwixt Dannii Minogue and Kelly Osbourne. We know, right?!

Oh.

So Dannii Minogue has ‘written’ an ‘autobiography’ in which, in between talking about absolutely nothing and hair, she has a little go at Sharon Osbourne, who she calls a ‘bully’ in reference to their time on X Factory.

‘She said I’d had too much Botox and plastic surgery and looked ridiculous, and I was nothing more than a mosquito she wanted to flick away’

Pretty accurate so far.

‘On one chat show, goaded by an almost salivating Graham Norton, Sharon rolled around on the studio floor, pointing at her backside, and comparing my face to it.’

Pretty accurate so far.

In response to this, Kelly – who you may remember is Sharon Osbourne’s daughter – went on Twitter and said the following (NB. We’re just going to do a general ‘sic’ for all of the below.)

‘The best thing to happen to dannii’s career was that my mother hated her she needs to shut her mouth and concentrate on motherhood!

‘I will be the first one to admit that my mother did not play her cards right when came to dannii but trust me when i say dannii is the devil.

‘Dannii you are so lucky that i respect simon enough to not tell the truth about what really happened. wa wa wa you poor middle aged victim.

‘To the 12 dannii fans out there i ask you this question what would you do if someone wrote a book of lies about your mother?

‘I think you all forget i was there i saw everything and if my mum was the “bully” why was she the one the left the show?

‘Sorry i have just had to deal with this bullshit 4 years and i have kept my mouth shut but i am sick and tired of her lies enough is enough.’

And there you have it, ladies and germs. We spoke to Sharon Osbourne about all of this not so long ago (it’s not showing off, it’s bread and butter) and what Sharon Osbourne said is unprintable. But suffice it to say, there’s a reason Dannii Minogue has reached the dizzy heights of mediocrity based on absolutely nothing at all.

ps. We used to like Dannii. She was always the fun one. Until we saw Dannii Minogue: Style Queen (we’ll be the judge of that) and her smugness almost fucked up our broadband connection.

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