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We spent an inordinate amount of time on the interdolly typing in the words ‘Hot bloke off The Only Way Is Essex in pants’, so we would appreciate it if our efforts didn’t go unnoticed.

Mark The Only Way Is Essex

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Oh sorry, popper spots.

Secondly, if you’re not watching The Only Way Is Essex, this story (for it is a story) will probably mean nothing to you.

If you are watching The Only Way Is Essex, this will probably be the most important thing you will ever read.

Either way, this will be the most important thing you will ever read.

The Only Way Is Essex is all kinds of genius sponsored by a herpes cream.

We think we’re wildly in love with everyone on it, except Lauren. Lauren, ladies and germs, is a trout of a girl who used to go out with Mark (AKA ‘Hot bloke off The Only Way Is Essex in pants’), inexplicably so. Owing to the ‘used to’ section of that sentence, she’s a bitter old trout to boot. She is also a boot. Upon meeting Mark’s new girlfriend – a girl who is infinitely better looking than she and also probably kind to trees – she said the following:

*adopts the kind of Essex accent that strips wallpaper*

‘She’s so ugly. He will never, ever do better than me.’

This from the woman who dips herself in the Crayola drawer then gets Joey Deacon to draw on the eyebrows.

But we’re not ones to judge. You never know, she could have a really good vagina.

But back to ‘Hot bloke from The Only Way Is Essex in pants’. That’s him up there in blue, waving at a penis. Ta-da! We have another picture of him after The Jump sponsored by yellow Post Its, which features VPL.

Then if you want it all in moving pictures, you can go here. From 4.05 onwards is your jack-anory (get it? Really, get it? That literally just came to us. We’re chuffed and everything), but needless to say all of it is frankly stunning.

Mmmmmm, Essexes…. (more…)

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This picture of Colin Farrell walking down the road is just a very clever ruse.

Colin Farrell

To look at his cock. Wily, he is. Wily.

Talking of walking down the road… (more…)

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‘She might not be attracted to him but she thinks he sounds like a really good guy’

Prince Harry fancies Cheryl Cole

Another minute, another piece of PR bollocks about the X Factor. This time, they’ve dragged in The Royals (TM).

It transpires – and we’re guessing it has something to do with hair empathy and Millionized eyelashes – that Prince Harry fancies Cheryl Cole.

‘Harry’s a huge fan of X Factor and watches it week in, week out,’ says……….. No, it’s gone.

Who actually says ‘week in, week out’? Like we say to the Tube day in, day out – who actually says ‘alight’?

‘He’s an even bigger fan of Cheryl. Weirdly, they have a friend in common (it’s us) and Harry requested the direct email address of one of her management.’

The direct email address of one of her management? Hardly pushing the boat out.

‘Cheryl is massively flattered and, being a fame whore, is naturally keen on meeting the Prince. She might not be attracted to him but she thinks he sounds like a really good guy.’

That’s because he’s not gay. We might also have added two or three words to the officially official statement. If you can guess what they are, you’re gay too. Hooray, etc.

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*breathes on window, draws sad face; then a nice cock*

Katie Price

This is a picture of Katie Price off-of cunt, launching her 73rd autobiography entitled ‘You Only Live On (Unfortunately)’.

What you must understand is that she is wearing fake glasses because she is very clever.

What you must also understand is that if anyone reads this book in anything other than an ironic fashion, they are what is known in the business as retarded.

The end.

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Should we be worried?

Fainting kittens

These kitties keep fainting. And not like Cheryl Cole at a photo shoot either. Like, non-showing off fainting.

Kittens, as we know, don’t need the affirmation so we’re a little concerned it could be a matter for the police. Or the vet. Or Boots the Chemist.

And then there’s the trimming on the sofa to think about. When will all this end…?! (more…)

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Kylie’s top lip is trying to run away from the rest of her face.

Kylie plastic surgery

Thank God Kylie has her talent to rely on.

*wipes sweat from forehead; enjoys the glisten on back of hand*

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Jealous much?

Boy George

You know those books entitled ’50 Things You Must Do Before You Die’, which linger round the checkouts at Asda (if you’re there you’ve pretty much missed your 50 chances) around Christmas time and which men’s magazines rely on when the workie has stopped coming up with killer features ideas?


Well, depending on the edition, ‘Getting called a cunt by Boy George’ is between 3 and 7 in these lists. Not quite as high, naturally, as swimming with dolphins but higher than changing race and getting adopted by Stanley Tucci in Easy A. We know at who’s bathroom time we’d be a-lingerin’…

And some lucky lady had all her Men’s Health dreams come true at a charity concert in London’s glittering Big London on Tuesday night when Boy George interrupted his performance to a) call her a ‘rude cunt’ and b) throw his drink at her. Who needs a c) when you’ve got an a) and b) like that?

Because it transpires that Rude Cunt wasn’t enjoying what Boy George was singing – she’d only turned up for ‘Karma Chameleon’ and had even worn a scrunchie – so was chatting through his set to keep herself occupied until the money shot.

The rest, as they say, is No. 4 in 50 Things You Must Do Before You Die.

Ladies, gentlemen and undecided, we give you Boy George calling some rude cunt a ‘rude cunt’… *claps*

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What? I’ve got an itch!

Glee naked pics

This boy (why the long face? Oh sorry, Sarah Jessica Parker’s TM’d that one…) is fretting about the inch he can pinch around his waist. And so the freak would we. We wouldn’t even go to the bathroom for a wet wee let alone leave the house. Has the country gone to the dogs?

And that, ladies and germs, was our introduction to a collection of male toplesses from last night’s Glee. Last night’s Glee in the United States of States. Not here in London England.

It features Blondie – whose real life name is Chord Overstreet. His real life name. Chord. Real life. Chord. Real. Chord. His parents were probably ‘really into music’ – that Finn one (Cory Monteith. How useful are brackets?!) and Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison. Why, these bracket things are just darn clever!) who we would bum all the way to Bed, Bath and Beyond… (more…)

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