Love a list. Maybe it’s the Virgo in us right now or maybe it’s just the way the wind blows, but lists are fun.
Take this list. The one with Janet Jackson nipple blurs all over it. It is by someone called Karen Owen and it rates the 13 men she shagged whilst at Duke University in North Carolina. She calls it her ‘Fuck List’.
Of the 13 men she schtupped, most were from the lacrosse team. We once went to a lacrosse game. Two, in fact.
So Karen Owen – henceforth to be known as the Lacrosse Bike – ranked her 13 lovers on a – now this is very important – PowerPoint presentation, and sent it to three chums. Said chums went viral on its ass and next thing you know, the entire student body of Duke University, North Carolina has read it.
Alongside each gennelman’s ranking, we also get a little description.
‘He was terrible,’ she says of one. ‘Did not even bother to kiss me more than a few times and finished in about five minutes, after which he simply walked out of the room and did not return.’
Walking out and not returning is a bad thing?
Of another: ‘In my blackout state, still managed to crawl into bed with a Duke athlete.’
Girl after our own heart.
So each lucky contestant was marked according to eight categories – physical attractiveness, size, talent, entertainment, creativity, aggressiveness, athletic ability and, Brucie Bonus, whether or not they have an accent.
We’re tipping the scale and we’re only up to aggressiveness. But then we pass out.
The top-ranked bloke scored 10.25 out of 10. We’re assuming Duke University, North Carolina doesn’t pride itself on academia.
But Karen Owen isn’t a bad person. She was just at a loose end. Was just loose.
‘I regret it with all my heart,’ says she, sobbing into her Crunchie Nuts. ‘I would never intentionally hurt the people that are mentioned on that.’
The list has since been removed from the interdolly. Which is a shame because we were planning on printing it out and getting all the mens at the Joiners to fill it in – no passes, please! – before any funny business gets underway. Time is money, after all.