Those gay penguins aren’t gay. They’re just lonely. Like guys in prisons get lonely.

You know all that stuff about gay penguins? How they found that almost a quarter of all penguins were in ‘same sex’ relationships that included mating rituals? Well, you’re reading too much into it according to a new report. Those penguins aren’t gay, they’re lonely. And if they aren’t lonely, they’re confused. And if they aren’t lonely or confused, they are the victims of an evil Communist conspiracy. According to new research.

The new study by the Centre for Functional and Evolutionary Ecology in Montpellier has found that king penguins generally ‘flirt’ with potential partners by closing their eyes, stretching their heads skyward and moving them in a half-circle to ‘take peeks’ at one another, clearly very lonely behaviour that we see a lot down our gym.

But the boys engaged in the displays with each other only for short periods of time but did not bond in the same way as a heterosexual pair would, by learning each other’s calls or caring for eggs.

Our response to that scientific research is a). boys will be boys and b). we thought they did look after eggs, which is where this whole thing came from in the first place and c). who wants to be tied down with a fricking egg when there are gay penguin clubs to get down to?

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