Don’t sully us with your filth!

The Simpsons, Catholic?

The Vatican’s PR department is a funny old sausage. They spend at least one third – but probably closer to two fifths – of their marketing budget on damning the gays, telling them (us! *checks pants* Yes, us!) that they’re the most dangerous threat to civilization since the great comet killed off the dinosaurs (irony noted) – yet any clever PR person will tell you the people you really need on board to give your brand kudos is The Gays (TM). Taste-makers, see. Early adopters, they are. Lots of money, they’ve got. Nice products from Space NK, they have. Though some of them really need to leave off the eyebrows.

But instead, Popey and bum-chums prefer to be the ladies that protest rather too much, and by the time you’ve taken in the puppet shows for the uneducated, chunky jewellery and three-for-two offers on poppers, there’s your marketing budget through the window and you’re left waiting for a few more god-bothering Italians to die and leave you their estates in return for an Eames Chair in Heaven.

(This is going somewhere, by the way. If you’re still with us, it means you’re clever and good looking.)

So the latest PR stunt from the Vatican, via its official fanzine, L’Osservatore Romano, is to try and claim America’s ‘First Family’ as their own. We use inverted commas there because of course The Simpsons are not the First Family off-of Le President, and neither are we comfortable using the cliché of a thousand-and-one telly columns written about The Simpsons. Make that a thousand-and-three.

Our point remains the same. The Vatican, in a seedy move to try and get the kids on board (The Three B’s – Bumming, Brainwashing and Bad Breath – are getting a bit old hat), has said The Simpsons are Catholic. Which not only reeks of desperation, but is utterly made up. But this is the Catholic Church, so why break the habit of a lifetime?

The producers of The Simpsons, in response to the Vatican’s dirty lies, said the following:

‘The Simpsons are not Catholic.’

*puts pen down, leaves the room quietly*

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