Assuming you can read, isn’t it exciting!
If you can’t read, this is what it says:
‘Global pop star blackmailed with “highly sensitive” photographs.’
Isn’t it exciting!
The global pop star in question is, and we quote, ‘instantly recognisable’. Much like a global pop star.
The instantly recognisable global pop star received a series of threatening letters from the blackmailer demanding cash (or a bunch of snacks) in exchange for 27 images stored on one of two Apple Mac laptops which were taken during a burglary at her London home.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, so it’s a she! Unless it’s a decoy!
But, the spoilsport that she/he/he-she is has taken out a court order banning the media *points; tuts* from disclosing her/his/his-her name, age, nationality and whether she/he/undecided is in a relationship or has children.
Which means it could literally be anybody. Anybody.
*looks down pants*
It’s probably not us because even though we are global, we’re probably not pop stars.
And if you’re sitting comfortably, it all began last November when the pop star lost her house keys, it is thought whilst going to get her hair done. It is like Scooby Doo!
Late at night, a man entered her London home, had a poke around, nicked some stuff, then skedaddled. But not before a relative, who was sleeping in another room (the twists! The turns!), was awoken by a torch beam – at which point the burglar touched his toes, turned around, then buggered off.
Then… oh christ, this drags on. But you get the gist, right? What about the jib? The Holloway Road?
Anyway, more details here, guesses below, cheques payable to the usual. And our money’s on Basil Brush…