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Oh sorry, popper spots.
Secondly, if you’re not watching The Only Way Is Essex, this story (for it is a story) will probably mean nothing to you.
If you are watching The Only Way Is Essex, this will probably be the most important thing you will ever read.
Either way, this will be the most important thing you will ever read.
The Only Way Is Essex is all kinds of genius sponsored by a herpes cream.
We think we’re wildly in love with everyone on it, except Lauren. Lauren, ladies and germs, is a trout of a girl who used to go out with Mark (AKA ‘Hot bloke off The Only Way Is Essex in pants’), inexplicably so. Owing to the ‘used to’ section of that sentence, she’s a bitter old trout to boot. She is also a boot. Upon meeting Mark’s new girlfriend – a girl who is infinitely better looking than she and also probably kind to trees – she said the following:
*adopts the kind of Essex accent that strips wallpaper*
‘She’s so ugly. He will never, ever do better than me.’
This from the woman who dips herself in the Crayola drawer then gets Joey Deacon to draw on the eyebrows.
But we’re not ones to judge. You never know, she could have a really good vagina.
But back to ‘Hot bloke from The Only Way Is Essex in pants’. That’s him up there in blue, waving at a penis. Ta-da! We have another picture of him after The Jump sponsored by yellow Post Its, which features VPL.
Then if you want it all in moving pictures, you can go here. From 4.05 onwards is your jack-anory (get it? Really, get it? That literally just came to us. We’re chuffed and everything), but needless to say all of it is frankly stunning.