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Tom Ford and Terry Richardson kissing

*sticks in Q-Tip*

Oh, it’s Tom Ford and Terry Richardson snogging whilst someone watches (pig) for a special issue of French Vogue as edited by Tom Ford.

It’s amazing what you can get from a swab.

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Brand and Ange, hair

Brad’s finally grown into his looks.

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Madonna 'n' surgery

Most of the time it doesn’t really show, but we blame the boots.

Also, someone got paid a lot of money to come up with that Hard Candy Fitness logo.

Also, c) and d).

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If anyone needs to understand the North East of England, ’tis this.

Snow + Booze = Newcastle

*sings Land of Hope and Glory*

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‘The Americans don’t understand geography’. It’s hardly, ‘They all take it up the arse’, is it? Even though the proportion is about the same.

The Queen and Prince Andrew

The WikiLeaks thing. It keeps a-leakin’. And now we all know the ‘senior royal’ who has put the ‘special relationship’ with the ‘United States’ under strain owing to his ‘cocky’ and ‘rude’ comments is Prince ‘Andrew’.

*whole world falls off chair simultaneously*

And his big bobby dazzler? ‘The Americans don’t understand geography.’

*whole world falls off chair simultaneously, having only just got up again*

And he said it to the US ambassador to Kyrgyzstan. Where the fuck’s that?

In a Hyatt hotel! What’s one of those? Etc.

We – and we use the Royal We in this circumstance – were once at a dinner with Prince Andrew (again, this isn’t showing off. It’s just showing off) and asked him, ‘How often do you call your mother?’ And they reckon Piers Morgan is the one who ‘dares to ask the questions’.

Anyway, it’s all a bit like when you’re pissed and start putting comments on Facebook. It never would have happened in The Krays’ day! You could leave your back door open then and everything. If you’re lucky, a bit of surprise sex might’ve been on the cards.

People don’t know they’re born.

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This woman has given up her job to become a professional Kate Middleton lookalike. The only criteria being, it seems, having brown hair and wearing ‘that dress’.

Kate Middleton lookalike

But, would you Adam and John Nettles it… she is actually called Kate!

You can’t make this bollocks up.

*gets gig standing in for 5 Star*

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Because it’s Friday (it’s not) and because it’s Christmas (it’s not) and because you can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes (you really can’t), here is Tom Hardy with his new Union Jack tattoo (we don’t want to say ‘Union Flag’)

Tom Hardy's tattoos

Tom Hardy might just be the love of our life. Even though tattoos are all a bit AussieBum, dontyouthink?

*prods nipple*

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This is someone’s house. It’s no Downton Abbey.

Mukesh Ambani's house in Mumbai

This is someone’s house, it is in Mumbai, it cost £630million, there are poor people living like dogs right underneath it, and it looks like a pile of shite.

Said someone is Mukesh Ambani, he is an Indian billionaire, he may or may not like cheese and his electricity bills are high.

Can you ima’ine?

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