No, it’s not Yvette, famed London/Brighton drag queen, the one who was never seen unless surrounded by at least 12 naked men with hard-ons at Love Muscle in London’s not-so-glittering Brixton. It’s one Cindy Jacobs off-of God. She has a hotline, apparently. And only she can interpret those mysterious ways that God is famous for moving in. You know, really mysterious ones. As in ones that make no sense to anyone except someone with… let’s just call them issues.
According to Ms. Jacobs (we were about to say ‘no relation to the crackers’ but we’re not so sure about that), the reason for the current spate of mass bird and fish deaths is that *checks runes* God is displeased about the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Now you’re talking mysterious ways!
Quite apart from apparently not minding that EVERY CIVILISED NATION IN THE WORLD has out gays serving in their army, it seems fairly random, taking out that famous wrath (so touchy!) on the birds and the fishies.
‘It could be because we have said it’s OK for people who commit these kinds of acts [gay ones including oral sex, anal sex, frottage…] to be recognized in our military for the first time in our history,’ said Cindy, in a really long sentence, ‘there is a potential that there is something that actually happened in the land where a hundred thousand drum fish died and also where these birds just fell out of the air.’ She also found a mysterious connection between the name of the town where some of the birds died and… oh, something else.
In unrelated news, the floods in Australia are God’s way of telling Aussies not to wear such skimpy swimwear and the destruction of the world’s corals by rising sea temperatures is His way of reminding everyone to floss. So, look sharp and think on!