We all remember Melanie Phillips, right? The Daily Mail’s retard du jour with a Biro, who is so fearful of the gays she’s decided to sew up her vagina lest it catch the lesbean whiff whilst on a leisurely stroll through Stoke Newington and infect her with syphilis and unlayered hair. She’s not wrong to be worried.
Her raison d’etre (a raison is a small dried fruit) is to hate-monger and lie; her target is The Gays (TM. And MDMA). And you can imagine how much her fanny was frothing today after she heard the LibDem’s pledge to allow gays to marry in church.
Her insane rants are thusly:
The Cunt: ‘Truly, we are fast reaching the stage where upholding Biblical sexual standards will become the morality that dare not speak its name.’
Sane people: ‘What the fuck are you on about you dick? You religiouses never freakin’ shut up with your ‘victim agenda’. (See, stick ‘agenda’ at the end of something and all of a sudden you have, well, an agenda!)
The Cunt: ‘The sole reason marriage has universal value is that it is vital for the healthy nurture of the next generation. This is because children need to be brought up by the two people who created them.’
Sane people: ‘Thick, isn’t she? Try telling that to Angelina Jolie.’
The Cunt: ‘Once again, we have to wonder at the way in which a politically motivated faction within a tiny minority of the population — for many gay people do not approve of this ideological gay rights agenda — is now running public policy.’
Sane people: Gays – all ten percent of the population (that’s, like, three, right?) – are running public policy, apparently. Again, didn’t get that memo. Because things would sure as hell be different round here if we had, mmmm-hmmmn! Ps. And don’t presume to speak for the gays, please. We’ll have to wash your mouth out with lube and Liza if you do it again.
The Cunt: ‘When I argued here a few weeks ago that this agenda was all about destroying moral and sexual norms, I provoked a storm of protest.’
Sane people: ‘Don’t flatter yourself, you filthy fame-whore. You’re just a monkey preaching to the ‘tards. Like taking a dump, any fool can do it.’
The Cunt: ‘If still in doubt, try this thought experiment. Imagine the Government was planning to recognise polygamy and polyandry (marriage with more than one woman or man), or marriage between ‘zoophiles’ (people who have ‘loving and committed relationships with mammals’, or bestiality to you and me) and their, er, partners.’
Sane people: ‘So you’re comparing gay marriage to bestiality? Oof. Even the Pope’s embarrassed for you.’
The Cunt: ‘The so-called ‘culture war’ now raging between those determined to destroy Western moral codes and those struggling to defend them is simply the most urgent domestic issue we face.’
Sane people: ‘Stopping those dastardly gays getting married in churches – NOT. CHURCHES! – is more urgent than the war on terror, climate change, rape, murder, obesity, unimaginable ugliness *strokes Melanie’s head; puts latex glove on first*, NHS cuts, halitosis on the No.55, tuition fees and the next film in the Superman franchise? Really?’
The Cunt: ‘The most important thing is not whether we have a Big Society. It is rather that if we continue down this path there will be no society worth the name. Instead, those cultural ‘lifestyle choice’ bullies will stamp their boots ever more brutally on the faces of everyone else in a pitiless war of all against all.’
Sane people: ‘As opposed to the filthy heterosexual (just sayin’) scum – who was no doubt on the morally superior road to marrying some charming gent with the Lynx effect in the local church. In white! – who stamped on a man’s face in Trafalgar Square and killed him, just because he was gay.’
God and cunts work in mysterious ways.