Is it Aretha Franklin? No, too pale.
Is it Diana Ross? No, she’d never get her hair in that helmet.
Is it Burt Bacharach? No. Just no.
Is it Mick Jagger? No, he’d never get his whole penis and balls in just one hand.
Is it Peter Andre? No, not orange enough and it displays a sense of humour which PA patently does not have.
Is it Cheryl Cole? No. She has much more body hair.
Is it Jake Shears? Yes. It is.