1. No Heather Small singing Search For The Hero Inside, What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud, Search For what You’ve Done Inside, What Hero Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud etc.
2. Keep the kids to a minimum. We know they’re taking all the credit for getting the Olympics in the first place, but kids are annoying.
3. Lots of high definition, in-close coverage of the men’s diving – with action replays.
4. No Wombles. We all remember the classy affair that was the Queen Mother’s 900th birthday.
5. Winners of the men’s rowing should be kept on the podium for ages with full coverage of up to and including an hour and a half of them just standing there pretty much naked while Princess Anne gets her hat on to come along the line.
6. Lots of Paralympics. We’re the best in the world at that shit. Upgrade it.
7. Lots of slow motion shots of men running towards the camera in Lycra shorts.
8. Maximise coverage of stuff that doesn’t happen in Hackney and Tower Hamlets. The world has already been hoodwinked into thinking that the Olympics are in London when in fact they’re on an industrial estate in the Lea Valley. Can you imagine a marathon that went through the Thamesmead estate?
9. Lots of the Queen and no Tony Blair.
10. We don’t want to see Boris take any credit whatsoever for the event.
11. Some nice fireworks.
12. A webcam inside that gay athletes house. Yes, there’s a house for gay athletes! Homosexual ones!
As the tickets for the 2012 Glittering London Olympics go on sale, we release our 12 demands for the OGs,