Cheryl Cole – whose hair belongs to 17 children currently living scrunch-dry lives in the projects of Detroit, India – has been axed from the American X Factory. And we’re an ovum.
Apparently it was because no-one could understand her accent. Even though it’s the same accent she had at the time when Simon Cowell was ‘worried’ no one in the former colonies would understand her accent. It’s the same accent she had when Simon Cowell decided, ‘No, it’s okay. The former colonies will understand her accent.’ It’s the same accent she had when yesterday, Simon Cowell decided, ‘Enough is enough, stop! In the name of love. No one can understand her accent. Surely it’s a matter for the police. Why ay. She’s been around the world and I, I, I have got enough press off the back of this whole charade that the whole of Her Majesty’s Britain will now watch the American X Factor and I will make even more shitloads of dosh.’
He’s wily that Simon Cowell. If we were Cheryl Cole we’d slap him in the style of an attendant in a nightclub toilet handing out lollipops and spritzes of Charlie. We fear she has been used. She’s a ploy! We demand a Maddie-style public investigation!