The farce that is the X Factory press campaign continues to treat Her Majesty’s general public as utter morons.

cheryl cole x factor

As predicted by Nostradamus, the latest X Factory piece-of-bollocks-they-actually-expect-us-to-believe is that Cheryl ‘hair like a Beefeater’ Cole has snubbed Simon Cowell’s offer of a return to the British X Factory. Not to be confused with the US X Factory, which never had any intention of employing Cheryl Cole even though she was sensationally sacked from it. Aren’t PR campaigns convoluted these days?

And we, sir, are an ovum.

Cheryl is, and we quote, ‘so angry at her treatment by American X Factor bosses – including Cowell – that she is considering turning her back on the show.’

We, sir, are still an ovum.

Cheryl, and we quote, ‘has gone into hiding following her devastating sacking from the US X Factor’.

We, madam, are still ovuming.

Not only is all this X Factory PR bullshit utter bullshit (hooray for bullshit!), but it is insulting and downright rude. And next week the stories will start to trickle through – much like anal leakage, and not the good kind – that Cheryl is ‘considering’ Simon Cowell’s offer but only because it is what ‘her public wants’, that it turns out that Kelly ‘Row-row-row-your-boat’ Rowlands has other commitments not being in Destiny’s Child after all, that Cheryl Baker still has thin hair and that a devastated Cheryl has run into the arms of her homo boyfriend, Derek Hough.

And you know what else? Cheese.

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