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Oh look! It’s the other one from Inception (and Third Rock from the Sun) and his little friend…

His name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, in case you were wondering… Oh, you weren’t?

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Joe McElderry was soooo brave to come out, reckons Andy Bell. We’ll be the judge of that.

Andy Bell off-of Erasure and latterly Pop Star to Opera Star has patted ‘little’ Joe McElderberry on the back (not the back bottom, the back) for coming out as gay. Yes, really.

‘I said to him that I thought it was very brave what he’d done,’ said Andy Bell, who never had to come out because the world is neither blind nor deaf. Well, word up Andy, Joe McElderbush was all ‘I’m straight but girls can wait’ when he won the X Factory.

It was only when a lover went to the papers that he decided to make the very ‘brave’ decision to come out. Not so much coming out then, as being dragged out by the pubic hair kicking and screaming. Credit where credit’s due. And no credit where credit’s not due.

‘It’s very hard to come out in the industry,’ says Andy, obviously confusing dollying about on stage surrounded by gays with working down a coal mine. ‘It’s male-dominated – run by men who like pretty young girls,’ he goes on, obviously never having had any contact whatsoever with showbusiness.

So, can we a) Stop pretending Joe McDonut came out: he was pulled, probably by too much teeth b) Stop pretending it’s particularly hard being a gay pop star: it’s a gay industry – get over it and c) Stop making out it’s soooo brave to be who you are. We’re not in Iran. And d) and e) We say get rid of Coming Out altogether.

Some People Are Gay. Get Over It!…? That counts for gays as well as straights, mmm-hmmmn.

*pats hair; eats a Fruit Pastille*

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Jogging topless? How very un-English!

We may laze around foreign beaches with each and every detail of our bollocks on clear display. We may walk the streets of a metropolis topless with our white guts hanging out. And we may sit in pubs with our trousers undone and our shoes and socks off but we English never – never! – jog topless. It’s just not done (except if you’re someone from The Only Way Is Essex). It smacks too much of showing off. And the English never show off.

*curtseys. Patters off stage in the style of a ballerina, head bowed*

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Nothing to see here, just a bunch of cushions.

Jack Mackenroth BASKIT

Re. the eye area – less is more.

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A famous, bending over.

Jared Leto penis

But who? Who could it be? Who?

It’s Jared Leto. Time is money is bumming.

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This is how we sit when we’re watching the telly

David Gandy naked

Needs must, etc.

And when we’re not kicking back as shown above, our other default position is this:

David Gandy naked

Helps us concentrate, see.

ps. David Gandy overkill, much? He needs to inject a bit of mystique before he slips into Peter Andre territory.

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And you can never have enough trouts, corky wedges and topless knobs from The Only Way Is Essex…

Mark Wright naked

This particular knob, Mark Wright (we have first-hand experience. Don’t judge us!), has been working out. He’s trimmed, he’s flattened, he’s cut out refined Haribos and he’s feeling thin and gorgeous. His nipples also face downwards. Clever!

And we only decided to include two-thirds of the mister-sister to his right because, well, there’s only so much lip-gloss and delusion one can take of a morning.

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You can never have enough hats, gloves and topless photographs of footballers we’ve never heard of

Fernando Torres, naked

S’true. Ask anyone.

This one is Fernando Torres and he plays for Chelsea but apparently didn’t have a very good ‘season’. Perhaps it’s a matter for the police.

And here he is, hair tucked behind his ears (after a bad ‘season’! The cheek!) on his holidays in Ibiza.

He also has a ridick tattoo on his leg, which seems to be par for the course these days. Just don’t let it happen again.

As they* say, a tattoo is for people who can’t make a mark on their lives. (*Julie Birchill or Kate Moss or Emu, one of those.)

*alienates one third of friend pool*

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