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Leave it to big fat lying drugs pig Kerry Katona to bring some home-baked ‘mum’s gone to Iceland’ wisdom to the Amy Winehouse story

‘I could not stop thinking how lucky I was to find the strength that I found to get myself out of the shit that I was in,’ quoth drugs whore Kerry Katona on hearing that Amy Winehouse had died (even though we’re still not sure what of).

‘Amy was so young, but I can so relate to what she was doing,’ she went on (and on). Oh, really? ‘It can be so easy to get some drugs in, have a few drinks and lose sight of reality. But if you mess with drugs, you’ve got to deal with the consequences before it’s too late.’

Is there not a position at UNESCO for this woman? Or, failing that, Tesco?

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David Beckham gets into cheap men’s pants. Not the pants of cheap men but pants for men which (not who) are cheap.

No, not these, silly. These are quite pricey, even if they’re not very nicey. No, David Beckham has signed a deal with H&M to do a men’s underwear range. For men. They’re pretending that he’s been working hard with the design team but really we all know that he’s allowed them to use his name and he will probably, you know, wear some at some point.

This all happens in February and we can hardly… care.

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Which famous person is this?

Is it Kylie Minogue? No, the skin is too human. Is it Trevor McDonut? No, she can string a sentence together. Is it Madeleine McCann? No, she’s currently tanning in India. Is it Diana Ross? No, the hair is too stationary. Is it… Oh, enough already.

It’s Harry Hill and it’s from a new Sky Atlantic show called This is Jinsy and it’s something to do with Orwell and the future and something and somewhere. If only we had a workie to do this sort of research.

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Nudity’s fun.

Naked All Blacks

Naked, New Zealand, cock, rugby, bent over, perky, lunge, move to the left, balls, colour and movement, fun.

That just about covers it.

And after the break it’s all of the above, without censorship!

*closes door; lights candle* (more…)

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What is it you see in multi-millionaire fashion dolly Giorgio Armani?

Giorgio Armani and male companion

This is Giorgio Armani – polar of hair; Sahara of skin – minding his own business in the sea off the Spanish island of Formentera, as some hot guy picks at his skin. Isn’t it embarrassing when that happens?

Giorgio Armani is 77. Hot guy isn’t.

It is not known who hot guy is, though he’s thought to be younger than Giorgio Armani. We’re not judging, incidentally. We’ve been known to linger on Santa’s lap.

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What year is this, 1373?

jeremy kyle freaks

The Jeremy Kyle show: You know the drill… dog gets humped in the street by a pack of pigs, who’s the daddy?

‘Abort! Abort! Abort!’ seems the appropriate response.

Anyways and whores, one of the potential baby absentee-daddas is this relic of the Plantagenets (at least they had nice bonnets!), seen above. He’s a lovely fellow, with his choppy ‘do and open-house approach to syphilis; his acrylic daywear and refreshingly assertive manner; his barely-there teeth and come-to-bed glare… we’re slipping off our seat just thinking about him.

*forwards Group On pearly veneers offer*

ps. Jeremy Kyle? Cunt.

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Not that we’re trying to find fault, but doesn’t LeAnne Rimes’ old man look, well, old. Only 38 apparently!

And of course we would do him like he’s never been done. We’re just sayin’. And there’s no crime in just sayin’.

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For God’s sake, keep the friggin’ camera still…!


*raises fists, shakes them*

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