The one in the middle – who has a name, and it’s not Crazy – is a very fat woman. But, bored with the humdrums of life like combing her hair and colouring in one side of her dog’s face, she has decided to dedicate her existence to becoming the fattest mum in the world. Mom, if we’re being pedantic.
Susanne Eman – who is described as a ‘model’ be the Daily Mail (Shirley some mistake?) – is currently 52 stones. She wants to reach a ton, and is doing so by eating 22,000 calories a day. Isn’t that scrummy?
Susanne is from Arizona, USA, World.
‘The bigger I get, the better I feel!’ exclaims Suze, three eclairs protruding from the gaps in her teeth.
‘Why shouldn’t I push the limits and see how fat I can get and stay healthy?’
The bit in italics is what is known in showbusiness as a ‘contradiction in terms’. Much like ‘sports personality’ and a ‘funny Michael McIntyre joke’ and ‘Liverpool fashion week’ and ‘Gok Wan’.
Suze visits the supermarket once a month (lazy bitch) with her sons (poor bastards) and spends up to eight hours filling six trollies, presumably with Jammie Dodgers, tinned sausages, Raggae Reggae Sauce and a bunch of snacks.
And Suze (Uze to her friends), 32 (and they say a bit of weight makes you look younger), even says the extra pounds have made her more attractive to men. To which we say we’ll be the judge of that.
‘I noticed I actually started attracting more men, and it made me feel good.’
There’s even a moral to all of this. It’s like Sesame Street!
‘The message I want to get across is for people to accept others for who they are.’
Which roughly translates as ‘I’m a greedy munter.’
At least she has a goal in life.,