He has ‘Goose’ written across his chest.

Britney Criminal

This is the video for Britney Spears’ new song, Criminal. In which a man who has had all the fat sucked out of him hands Britney – the one with the hair – a cup of tea. Could be coffee. And simultaneously gives us BDD, especially having just finished off a packet of Hobnobs. But don’t come out of a bag on us – who doesn’t love a good Hobnob?

The video really has it all. Product placement, bad acting, even worse singing, all the make up Mac ever made, a Cosby Show-style moral message, a beat, some notes and hair.

There now follows a handy breakdown of Criminal, by Britney Spears, in ten whole points:

1) At 0.41 Britney sprays herself with Radiance, by Britney Spears. We’ll be the judge of that.

2) At 0.52 Britney says to a love rival: ‘So you’re not working the street corner tonight, I see!’ Ooh, harsh.

3) At 1.06 Britney gets slapped. We don’t condone violence.

d) At 1.24 Britney kicks a man in the balls. We don’t condone violence. We do condone balls.

5) At 1.42 Britney starts singing. Like a deaf person with a sponge in their mouth.

6) At 1.53 the is the first occurrence of the line, ‘He is a bum, bum, bum, bum.’ We also condone bumming.

7) 1.42 right through to the end: Most of the lyrics are indecipherable, owing to Point 5.

8) 3.25. Stoke Newington Town Hall makes its debut.

9) At 3.46, this happens:

Britney Criminal

10) It’s actually quite a fine pop song. Catchy, like syphilis. We give it three shiny stars. Out of eleven.

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Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast)

He has 'Goose' written across his chest., 6.0 out of 10 based on 2 ratings

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2 comments to “He has ‘Goose’ written across his chest.”

  1. I think it’s a dreadful song, myself. There are much better ones on the album, although granted not many.

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  2. Wow. Only Britney could manage to make cinematic brutality, armed robbery, and a slow-motion hail of bullets seem so utterly boring and derivative. Dull song too.

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