This is the video for Britney Spears’ new song, Criminal. In which a man who has had all the fat sucked out of him hands Britney – the one with the hair – a cup of tea. Could be coffee. And simultaneously gives us BDD, especially having just finished off a packet of Hobnobs. But don’t come out of a bag on us – who doesn’t love a good Hobnob?
The video really has it all. Product placement, bad acting, even worse singing, all the make up Mac ever made, a Cosby Show-style moral message, a beat, some notes and hair.
There now follows a handy breakdown of Criminal, by Britney Spears, in ten whole points:
1) At 0.41 Britney sprays herself with Radiance, by Britney Spears. We’ll be the judge of that.
2) At 0.52 Britney says to a love rival: ‘So you’re not working the street corner tonight, I see!’ Ooh, harsh.
3) At 1.06 Britney gets slapped. We don’t condone violence.
d) At 1.24 Britney kicks a man in the balls. We don’t condone violence. We do condone balls.
5) At 1.42 Britney starts singing. Like a deaf person with a sponge in their mouth.
6) At 1.53 the is the first occurrence of the line, ‘He is a bum, bum, bum, bum.’ We also condone bumming.
7) 1.42 right through to the end: Most of the lyrics are indecipherable, owing to Point 5.
8) 3.25. Stoke Newington Town Hall makes its debut.
9) At 3.46, this happens:
10) It’s actually quite a fine pop song. Catchy, like syphilis. We give it three shiny stars. Out of eleven.
He has 'Goose' written across his chest.,