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Don’t you just want to punch him?

Tom Cruise Rock of Ages

Not only is that a rhetorical question, it is also the truth. Tom Cruise, who ironically has never really sported a beard, has had all his Napoleon syndrome dreams come true – he gets to… what do they call it when they play air guitar? He gets to play air guitar in his new film, and he also gets to jump around on stage, much like an utter cock might. It’s why he put in all that practice on Oprah’s sofa. He’s nothing if not a totally shit actor.

This film also contains Catherine Zeta-Jones. We always knew that girl would be a star. When we watched The Darling Buds of May we said, ‘That girl will be a star!’ When she went out with John Lesley we said, ‘That girl will be a star!’ When we saw her in Splitting Heirs we said, ‘That girl will be a star!’ When we watched her receiving the OBE we thought, ‘That girl will be a star!’ And when we saw her on French and Saunders we thought, ‘Big tits!’

And if that wasn’t enough, wait till you see this! It’s no Showgirls.

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