Things we learned this weekend

Joey Essex

Welcome to our new slot, called Things We *checks notes* Learned This *checks notes* Weekend. It will be a regular thing. Weekly, we imagine. Of a Monday.

It will take the form of a list, probably a vertical one.

Fact: The Cranberries have sold 30 million records. This despite the fact that Delores O’Oirish has a voice that sounds like a dog having the end of its tail nipped.
Source: Terry Wogan on Sunday, Radio 2.

Fact: Our ex-boyfriend, currently residing in London’s glittering New York which is spookily where he’s always resided, now stars in what can only be described as ‘hard-core gay porn movies’. He is very good in them.
S0urce: The interconnects, Sunday morning.

Fact: Roller blinds are not that difficult to put up. Even by gays. Even by gays who are gay.
Source: Gays.

Fact: David Cameron has a brother who is not only a barrister but is, like David, a pasty white pudding with absolutely no lips to speak of. And despite being a lipless pasty white pudding, David’s brother has his very own stalker, even if she is Eastern European.
Source: Daily Cunt

Fact: Heidi ‘Hi’ Klum and Seal ‘Hi’ Seal have split up. We also learned we could give a flying fuck.
Source: Somewhere or other.

Fact: Tulisa off-of X Factory can be photographed cavorting with her boyfriend on a beach one day and can have split up with him the following day. Famouses are so clever.
Source: Tulisa off-of X Factory.

Fact: If you cry in Comptons after the boy you were on a date with runs away literally after snogging you, everyone pretends not to notice.
Source: Gay-who-drank-too-much.

Fact: Joey Essex is not just a little bit daft, he is borderline brain damaged.
Source: Our interview with him. His teeth were so white we’ve still got spots in our eyes.



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One comment to “Things we learned this weekend”

  1. How about posting a link for this ex-boyfriend in NYC!
    Surely, this is more interesting than seeing Cameron’s brother

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