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And in today’s sports news…

Football, the sport also known as ‘soccer’.

Someone won, apparently. And that concludes today’s sports news.

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Do you remember those Korean Christians who were going to pray that Lady Gaga’s concert didn’t go ahead? Well, guess what!

Lady Gaga’s concert went ahead without incident.

Jesus, God! What is the point of praying if you’re not even going to listen? Hmmm?

God certainly does move in mysterious ways. Especially when the remix of ‘Born This Way’ comes on.

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Those Scottish religiouses really don’t want the gays to marry and they’re putting their money where their dirty mouths are

The religiouses of Scotland really are dead set against gays marriage. They don’t want it. Really don’t want it. Won’t even have it in the house.

And so they have decided (you know them, ideas just keep popping into their heads!) to put some hard cash into it. You know, the sort of cash that could have gone into helping the poor or doing some good, that cash. Even dolly old Cardinal Keith O’Brien here, who likes colour and movement and robes that have a bit of swish in them GODDAMMIT!, has given his support to the idea backed by such unblemished organisations as the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of Scotland, the Christian Institute, the Evangelical Alliance and Destiny Churches, to put leaflets into every house, flat and tenement slum in all of Scotland to let people know that they are against marriage. Which we think most people actually had a handle on by now.

But fair’s fair, it’s only the same money that they put into their campaigns against sex before marriage, adultery, divorce and child sexual abuse carried out by members of the Church. Oh, they didn’t put money into those things? Oh! Our mistake.

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And your hold music today is…

This guy. Normal service will be resumed when we find something.

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And in today’s breaking performance art news…

A protest about spending cuts in Spain.

And that concludes performance art news for today.

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And in today’s breaking underwear news…

A range of styles and colours from N2N.

And that concludes today’s breaking underwear news.

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Not content with raping the children of the faithful, the Catholic Church now wants those children to do its dirty work

The Roman Catholic church has sent a letter (they’re big on letters, this lot, aren’t they? Maybe they have a batch of Holly Hobbie notelets left over from Christmas) to every state-funded Catholic secondary school in England and Wales asking them to encourage pupils to sign a petition against gay marriage. Now, where do you start with that one?

You could say that the idea of the church trying to influence the way young people think is abhorrent, but then that is their stock in trade. Why do you think they’re so obsessed with children? Not just because they like their peach-fuzz bottoms, but because if you introduced the wonders of Christianity to an adult who had their wits about them, they would quite rightly tell you you were mad and also needed to sort out your teeth and clothes. But if you take a small child you can make him believe in God the same as he believes in Paddington Bear, Father Christmas and the little boy on the Haribo packets.

The fact that these are state-funded schools i.e. schools that we and you and a dog named Boo are paying our taxes to support so that the children of Catholics can get a better education than everyone else, makes that bitter pill even more tricky to get down. And let’s face it, kids, we can get stuff down.

The Catholic Education Service asked schools to draw pupils’ attention to the petition being organised by the Coalition for Marriage, a hair-brained bunch of hard right Christians that is pretending it has almost half a million signatures.

Oh and while we’re on the subject, why are their lampoons of the Some People Are Gay campaign always so lame and badly executed? Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy.

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While UK Grazia is busy finding a way to say ‘Jen is back with Brad’ that they didn’t use on last week’s cover, French Grazia are coming up with this!

But wait, there’s more. Not wishing to put you in a tricky situation in your workplace we have hidden an actual cock shot over the jump. The French, eh? So sexy. So naughty. So delicious. They have this je ne sais quoi but we’ll be buggered if we know what it is. Now over the jump you go. Enjoy responsibly…


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