This handsome young teacher has the inside track on what God is thinking! Handy!

He looks like butter wouldn’t melt if you used it as a lubricant while fucking him instead of a water-based lube, which we don’t recommend because butter damages condoms in a way that water-based lubes simply, you know, don’t. (Do you love the way we just slip that safer sex information in there like that? We must surely be eligible for some sort of grant…)

Anyway, anyway, this man is one Jack Conkling. No, don’t laugh. Not with the nose and everything. And Jack just happens to know – maybe a little bird told him, maybe it was an angel – that God thinks homosexuality is as bad as murder, lying, stealing or cheating. Which is plain silly. And this from an American school teacher teaching people’s children.

For a start, you can hardly bracket murder and lying together. Stealing is bad but everyone cheats. As for homosexuality, we wouldn’t be without it. Makes the day go by in a flash, it does.

Jack is a teacher at Prairie Middle School in Kansas, which is probably punishment enough, and was driven by all this talk of gay human rights to get onto his Facebook page and remind everyone that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin (which it doesn’t, by the way. There’s a lot of crazy in there but it doesn’t say it’s a sin. Get your facts right, Christian boy).

‘I am willing to admit my depravity is just as great as anyone else’s…’ Go on. You have our attention. ‘And without Christ I’d be destined for hell…’ Oh, is that all?

Anyway, now you know, you can become better people and languish in the favours of the Lord for all eternity. Or something.

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