This man is not gay. Not even a little bit. And we thank the Lord baby Jesus for that.

This is the man you have to ‘thank’ for the whole Military Wives phenomenon. He is Gareth Malone, choirmaster. He is not gay. Not even a little bit. Won’t even let you put the tip in.

What’s more he’s married and has a 20-month-old daughter. How not gay do you want it?

‘I mean, I am fairly flamboyant and expressive,’ he said in an interview with the Radio Times, which our mothers keep in gold-embossed leather binders, without a word of a lie. ‘But I know plenty of gay people who are incredibly repressed and aren’t showy and don’t like Judy Garland, you know.’ Repressed? Not showy? No fan of Judy Garland? Give us these people’s names and addresses and we’ll have them chucked out of this gay community on their arses.

When asked by the person from the Radio Times (we’re imagining those shoes that look like pork pies, a straight-leg slack in a non-natural fibre and maybe something from Marks & Spencers’ Blue Harbour range on the top) whether he was offended that people thought he was gay, he quoth: ‘I’ve sort of got used to it. I suppose if I took the time to really think about it, I’d like to say, ‘It’s my business and I’m married for a start’, but not really. Really, that’s one demon I’ve exorcised.’

‘It’s my business’? ‘It’s my business’??! What’s that supposed to mean? As for demons and exorcisms, well, we don’t know what to think. Well, we do actually. We think he’s a bit of a knob.

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