Look at these two cuties, mic in hand, innocently waiting for their moment to shine, ready with their cutting quips if Simon ‘Hair like a vagina’ Cowell dares to go there. And honey don’t she ever!
Only this ain’t no normal day at the talent show rodeo, mmmn hmmn.
Imagine the audience, if you will: lumpen round the hips and ankles; hair longer at the front than at the back, a bit like a bird from abroad; polyester jeggings (the irony of which is not lost on those with an education); sugar-coated tooth; bingo wings that flap in the southern breeze; men called ‘Bi-curious’ on Cam4; ribs for breakfast, Pop-Tarts for tea; well-fingered bible by the bed; polyester eiderdown (again, irony, not lost); one eye looking at you, one looking for you, the last one glass; that sort of thing. So far, so hot.
Then the kids begin to sing. But hark, this isn’t ‘Flying Without Wings’ or indeed Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ sung acapella. No, these two kids, innocent to the core, start singing ‘Ain’t No Homos Gonna Go To Heaven’. Which last we checked wasn’t on WestLife’s Greatest Hits. For it turns out, pop-pickers, that these two innocents have been forced to sing a gay hate song, by their caring elders, inside what can only be described as hell on earth. Otherwise know as a church in Indiana.
The most godly bit of the whole thing is when the innocents get to the chorus. You know, the ‘Ain’t No Homos Gonna Go To Heaven’ bit. It’s like that time Tyra Banks gave everyone in the audience a tub of Vaseline. These god-bothering freaks are slipping off their designer imposter chairs!
Obviously, sane people think these religiouses – all members of the Apostle Truth Tabernacle (we’ll be the judge of that) – are utter cunts.
In response to sanity, one member of the Apostle Truth Tabernacle, who cannot be named because it contains more than one syllable, said the following:
‘If we don’t teach the children the truth early, they will never learn.’
And there we have it in a crazy-as-a-box-of-mullets nutshell.
*starts singing, ‘Ain’t No Homos Gonna Go To Heaven’. This shit’s like crack cocaine*
Kids of religiouses. Aren't they just the darnedest!,