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Forget Botox or surgery, Tom Cruise uses bird shit on his face to stay young


Softer than a bear's bottom

Yeah, that’s what that white stuff is dripping off your chin.

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Rating: 10.0/10 (2 votes cast)

Back on the market. Again.


Back in the room

Antelope Penelope Cruz will be sending one less Christmas card this year now that her brother Eduardo has finally grown bored of his miniature play-thing Eva Longoria. Luckily for us, all our finest threads were cleaned and pressed when Johnny finally told Vanessa to do one, so if you’re in the area Eduardo, you know how to get in touch.

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Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast)

There there David, rest your head in our lap, everything will be ok


Here, wipe your eyes on this

David Beckham is said to be “very disappointed” at being left out of the Team GB squad for the Olympic Games. Ex-angry-footballer Stuart Pearce, who is apparently the coach and decides all the decisions, chose Ryan Giggs instead. Why oh why would anyone choose a hairy little cheater from the valleys over our Dayviiid? Oh, we’ve been informed that it’s something about football and tactics and fielding and strikers and so on. And here we were thinking it was all about revealing shorts and the jersey exchange.

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Rating: 10.0/10 (1 vote cast)

Your daily Daley


Thomas takes a shower. Because he’s a clean teen. Ain’t no bugs on our baby, and other excerpts from John Waters’ Hairspray.

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Rating: 10.0/10 (2 votes cast)

And in today’s breaking swimwear news…


The actually rather clever reversible swimwear from Rufskin. But what happens when you cut the lining out? Oh, that’s just us, is it?

And that concludes today’s breaking swimwear news…

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Rating: 7.0/10 (4 votes cast)

And in today’s sports news…


Wrestling, from both sides now.

And that concludes today’s sports news.

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Rating: 10.0/10 (2 votes cast)

We didn’t realise gay marriage was putting so much at risk!


If someone had taken the time and trouble to explain to us just how serious gay people getting equality in the field of marriage was, we never would have supported it.

For a start, it turns out that if gay people are allowed to get married (not just civil partnershipped but actually married like real people) then unborn children are put at risk. Look! It says it right there! Straight women are apparently going to be miscarrying all over the place the minute – the actual minute! – the law is passed allowing gays to say ‘I do!’ We didn’t realise that. Did you?

Not only that, but as soon as gays are allowed to marry, the wedding photographs of straight people will immediately self-combust, being torn into at least four equal parts as illustrated in this handy leaflet.

Now you know that, are you still supporting gay marriage? No, thought not.

PS ‘Turn over for more information’? That’s a bit saucy, isn’t it?

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Rating: 10.0/10 (3 votes cast)

Your daily Daley


A splash of pink to make the boys wink. That’s ‘wink’ with an ‘i’.

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Rating: 8.2/10 (5 votes cast)