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We will not teach ‘gay nonsense’, says Government-funded Catholic school whose teachings are based on actual nonsense.

Jesus on toast

In scenes reminiscent of nasty old cunt Margaret Thatcher’s (is she dead yet, ding-dong?) Section 28, a Catholic school down in London’s glittering Truro has decided that telling its pupils that it’s okay to be gay is just not on. Bugger if it buggers with their minds! It’s what the baby Jesus would’ve wanted!

Formerly St Michael’s Catholic Small School (what sort of name is that? Do pupils move up to Big School and then on to My Dad’s Bigger Than Your Dad School?) in Cornwall, it is now called St Michael’s Catholic Free (we’ll be the judge of that) School, and is funded directly from the Government. And it has already come under criticism from the National Union of Teachers for its retardedness (who called the hotbed of fairy stories an ‘ideological gimmick’) whilst politicians criticized the ¬£4.5million it has spent on a dolly new extension – in spite of the fact that there were 600-odd school places going for a song in nearby secondaries. But, you know, the Government’s got money to piss up walls, after all.

And ever the victims, said Catholics in charge of poor unsuspecting children – they’re like sponges, you know! – have hit back at the sane people of this world, shrieking about an ‘orchestrated attack to undermine the school.’

So much so, they went and formed a motley crew made up of some old codger (Wallace Simmons), some trouty governor who probably makes her own perfume out of lavender and old bits of hoof¬† (Joyce Sanderson) and some old cunt in a frock (Father Chris Findlay). Don’t know about you, but we’re shaking in our designer-imposter loafers.

‘The whole population is taught that homosexuality is fine and children should accept they can have two mums or dads but they should not be taught that nonsense. It is not right,’ shrilled Simmons.

‘Schools are not teaching basic family values and that mum and dad are the heads of the family and that’s how it should be,’ he continued to shrill.

‘There are so many problems in schools today where basic family values are not taught and it is OK for Jack to marry Jack and not Jill. The morals of this country should not be dragged down,’ he shrilled some more whilst wishing he’d added an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence, before thoughts turned right back to that nice boy in the knitted tank tops on The Great British Bake Off.

Mrs Sanderson, whose smell lingers, then took her turn.

‘Gays would be welcome to this school,’ she said, her left eyelid twitching. You know, like they sometimes do. ‘But we would not encourage it.’

She also wishes she’d added an exclamation mark.

Then came Father Findlay, who had been holding his breath in a hump for so long he’d almost turned blue.

‘We have a clear understanding about the human person and how a person fits into the society including everything from marriage, work-place, family life, self-discipline and clarity of moral values.’

And we have a clear understanding of you people – or ‘cunts’, as we prefer.






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Who wants to see Mariah have a retro moment of gypsy whatever? You, right?

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And in today’s breaking underwear news…

Someone called Jason in those nice little Jockey briefs that leave nothing to the imagination and are as comfortable as gossamer to wear.

And that concludes today’s breaking underwear news…

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Mr. Obama, now totally down with the gays. Just ask Jane Lynch who narrates

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It’s not only American Republicans that would like to return to a non-gay past

As the Republican Party in the US announces that it will stand on a platform of no gay marriages (get your divorce papers ready, gays – you’re being broken up!) and also on an anti-abortion ticket (get ready backstreet abortionists, your boat just came in!), German Chancellor Angela Merkin, pictured here being forced to eat animal excrement, has said no to the gays as well.

Yes, she may come from go-ahead Germany, where men are men and women sometimes look like this, but that doesn’t mean she’s a pushover for the gays, especially seeing as she comes from the Christian Democratic Union. When asked if gay couples should get the same tax breaks as their straight brothers and sisters, she came up with a resounding ‘nein’, which apparently means ‘no’ in German.

One of her party-mates Katherine Reiche went a step further: she said that same-sex partnerships as an issue was ‘next to the euro crisis, the biggest threat to German prosperity,’ adding that Germany’s future ‘lies in the hands of families, not same-sex partnerships’. We think she was just altering words from some pre-war speech she came across in a second-hand shop, crossing out the word ‘jew’ and putting in ‘gay’.

Nice people. Mitt Romney should feel very comfortable doing business with them.

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Da Queen just drivin’ ‘im motor, innit, blood? Boom!

Knowwhomsayin, like?

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And in today’s breaking sports news…

Novak Djokovic gets a marriage proposal. From a boy.

That full stop was for the purposes of drama.

And that concludes today’s breaking sports news.

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This is Celine Dion. Yes, Celine Dion. YES, Celine Dion.

5 things we would like to say about this picture of Celine Dion. Yes, Celine Dion.

1. We love Celine Dion and we don’t care what she wears. Like the big princess dress she wore to greet friends/family/us at a party in Vegas which had the words ‘I love you’ written on the skirt. Only Celine Dion could get away with such a carry on.

2. We think it’s all about big chunky knits and knickers this winter. It’s pretty much all we’ll be wearing.

3. Where did all that hair come from?

4. This photograph appears in the current issue of V Magazine. Ask if your local library stocks it.

5. We like this photograph almost as much as we like this next one…

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