1. Who the fuck is Emeli Sandé’s agent? Shit voice, charisma of chewed gum, yet three whole turns from Opening to Closing. Unless she was a stand-in for no-show Adele.
2. Why was Adele a no show? One little song wouldn’t have hurt the baby. Besides, giving birth live on stage then hula-hooping with the afterbirth might have diverted attention away from Jason Orange.
3. Jason Orange. Calm down dear.
4. Loved the inclusion of Kate Bush during the bizarre building blocks bit.
5. Loved the mad cyclists coming out with Pet Shop Boys.
6. Grannie Lennox was much better than at the Jubilee, but we would have preferred ‘Sweet Dreams’.
7. The supermodels were great, even if the Daily Cunt thinks that it wasn’t in the Olympic spirit. But there was one who we had never seen or heard of in our lives. And we used to subscribe to Supermodel magazine! All three issues!
8. That Kaiser Chiefs fella – who we saw on BBC Breakfast: very funny and attractive – coming in on the back of a scooter was fun. The reason they did a Who song was because it was thought that singing about predicting riots wasn’t appropriate. Especially on the anniversary of the riots.
9. George Michael has officially morphed into Stelios from our local kebab emporium (plus we don’t plug our new single at the Olympics, do we George?) And it turns out black isn’t slimming for everyone.
10. Thank god that old dinnerlady Elton John wasn’t there.
11. We thought Coldplay were on. They weren’t.
12. Nice standing ovation for the volunteers, who were apparently trained by Eddie Izzard on how to be nice and a bit muppety.
13. Waterloo Sunset. What a lovely song!
14. And c) and d).
Ten (well, 14) things we thought about last night's closing ceremony,