Celebrity Big Brother has begun. As to why, we are none the wiser. Or even better informed. What we do know is that it’s very trout-heavy with a bevy of older, mouthier women ready to rub each other up the wrong way (and try to win the smattering of sexy young men up the right way).
The contenders are, from left to not-so-left, Jasmine (someone who once ‘went out’ with Simon Cowell – yeah, neither did we); The Situation off-of Jersey ‘not a patch on Geordie’ Shore; Prince Lorenso someone-or-other off-of The Bachelor; some model no one has ever heard of; Julie ‘bloody’ Goodyear, the woman who couldn’t act ‘putting down keys on a surface’ convincingly; Samantha ‘I’m too beautiful’ Brick, apparently a journalist; MC Harvey, disgraced rapper who cheated on Alesha with Javine, if that makes any sense to anyone; tart Rhian Sugden; Martin Kemp off-of Spandau and EastEnders; Coleen ‘I don’t believe in adoption for gay couples’ Nolan off-of shit girl group The Nolans/Loose Women; Julian Clary; Ev (Heather) off-of EastEnders and cute Olympic judo person Ashley McKenzie, who must already – surely! – be regretting it.
Quite a line-up, we think you’ll agree. *goes to rinse out mouth with alcohol*
Celebrity Big Brother 2012: it's a trout-athon!,