What’s been happening since we last chewed the fat and gristle? The first 5 we could think of.


1. Prince Harry has been caught with his pants down. We know we’re supposed to think Harry is a lovable young jakesnape (we think we made that word up: nice, isn’t it?) but don’t you think there’s at least the possibility that he’s a tiresome old yah? In a crumpled Ralph Lauren shirt that he found under the bed? Love, you have staff. Get them to iron something nice for you.

2. Celebrity Big Brother has turned out to be borderline compelling what with brutal old lez Julie Goodyear walking round like a Honeymonster on cocaine. And that vile Jasmine. How dare she call someone else a prostitute when she sleeps with the likes of Simon Cowell, presumably not for their great good looks!

3. We had a nice picnic at the men’s pond where we could barely keep our eyes on our Quorn Bites.

4. Tom Daley appeared in Heat as Superman.

5. Boris ‘Cunt’ Johnson finally did the Out4Marriage video he promised to film – under duress! – months ago and managed to completely omit the word ‘gay’ while banging on about reduced crime in London. If you can find a connection between crime in London and gays getting married (and we don’t mean those horrid his ‘n’ his morning suits), we’d love to know what it is.

 

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