Did you know that the Jews and the gays are on a mission to spread homosexuality around the world? We’re not sure what purpose it would serve but we are compelled by the evidence put forward by Iranian state newspaper Mashregh and would be running for the hills as we speak if it were not for these strappy, sexy killer heels we have on.
The piece, which we are having laminated by a work experience person (probably homosexual not to mention Jewish) as we speak, is called ‘Introduction to the overt and covert aspects of spreading homosexuality in the world’ (they’re thrifty with their capital letters, those Iranians, aren’t they? If only they were as thrifty with their public hangings).
The piece, lavishly illustrated with gay sexual positions, speaks of a secret plan by ‘Jewish financial and human capital, along with the West, particularly America and Britain’. How exciting! It’s like Bourne or something, only with not so nice clothes.
‘It is so important to Israel to support homosexuality,’ it went on (and they do have a point: that Tel Aviv Pride is scrumptious), ‘that in the seminaries for Conservative Jews, the rabbis agreed to accept gay men and women according to the rituals of Jewish religion.’ Shut the front door! Not women as well! Where will this conspiracy end? The forced wearing of eye-liner? State-regulated tucking? Murder?
‘Abomination and immoral phenomenon…’ So tantalising! We love the sound of immoral phenomenon! ‘…would become commonplace and used to subjugate those who did not accept homosexuality,’ it frothed on.
Universities, movies, the healthcare systems, handbag shops and sausages all have to take their share of the blame for this campaign to turn everyone gay, apparently, and doctors – if they really cared – should be finding medical cures for homosexuality (why waste the money when hanging is so cheap and entertaining?) instead of helping the gays with their healthcare needs.
The writers of the piece then hung up their sling-backs for the day, said a quick prayer to their glorious leader Mahmoud Imadinnerjacket (pictured here) and slipped out to watch some teenagers being hanged for looking at each other askance while enjoying a delicious non-alcoholic Campari and soda.
The jews and the gays... they're out to take over the world (and we don't just mean Broadway and London's glittering West End),