‘Two men kissing – well, it just doesn’t seem right. That’s because it isn’t.’ A fun new book teaching kids all about the gays.

Oh, those Christians. Up in arms they are at the idea that anyone may be brainwashing their children into thinking that the gays are, you know, people too – but they’re not above their own bit of brainwashing when it comes to children. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, their whole church is based on it. And if some of those children happen to get raped while in the process of being brainwashed, well, that’s just God moving in his famously mysterious ways. Certainly nothing to inform the police about.

The latest brick in the wall is a knockabout book for kiddies from Mission: America called Why You Should Let Your Priest Touch You Down There and Keep It As Your Little Secret. Sorry, wrong book. It’s actually called Questions And Answers For Kids About Homosexuality. Doesn’t quite have the ring of The Cat in the Hat, does it?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin.

‘Most cultures long ago decided [homosexuality] was very wrong,’ it kicks off. Yeah, and most cultures long ago decided that the world was flat, fairies romped at the bottom of the garden and that thunder was God moving the furniture upstairs. ‘And they made rules against it, for a lot of good reasons.’ Those reasons? ‘First of all, two men can never create their own child.’ Don’t you believe it, sister. ‘Neither can two women.’ We refer you to our previous comment.

But their attitude towards homophobic bullying is comparatively enlightened:

‘If the bully uses bad words or makes up false stories that someone is “gay,” or calls a boy names like “sissy,” or worse, that’s horrible.’

Making up stories that someone is gay? We can’t think of anything more horrible. Apart from perhaps making up stories that someone believed that Jesus wanted them for a sunbeam when they are clearly too unattractive.

‘Always speak up and help someone who is being bullied. But it’s not right to tell someone that being homosexual is okay. The person may be feeling sad because of being bullied, but never try to make him or her feel better by saying “gay” is okay. Kids who are overweight are sometimes bullied, too. And we might want to make that person feel better. But it would be a mistake to say that overeating is a good thing, right?’

Imagine being fat and gay: that’s a whole barrel-load of wrong. Those kids maybe do deserve it.

‘So tell your friends, in a nice way, that no one needs to be “gay” or pretend to be the other gender. It’s not the right thing to do. It is important to know the truth and stand up for it.’

Similarly, if you find someone who has been punched to the ground for being gay, help him up, give him a good talking to, say it’s probably his fault and he had it coming and maybe give him a slap if he doesn’t believe you.

Next in the series is Questions and Answers for Kids about Jews – starting with the lesson ‘No one needs to be a “Jew”‘.

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