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Not just another excuse to look at Tom Daley’s bulge…

Teenage exhibitionist and Olympian Tom Daley’s dream has come true. He has his own TV show. On ITV.

It’s called Splash! Yes, with an exclamation mark. And in the tradition of Strictly Come Dancing/Skating/Singing Duets, it will feature Tom teaching a rag-bag of celebrities how to dive. We wonder how much someone has been paid for that idea…

Yes, it sounds lame, but think about it. First of all, we get to see Tom in trunks in action. Second of all, we get to see celebrities in trunks in action. And third of all, diving is actually fun: we did an evening course and our reverse tuck was second to none.

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Rating: 9.8/10 (5 votes cast)

Kate Moss… speaks! And now we know why she shouldn’t.

She is famed – famous even – for keeping it buttoned. Yes, she may be running all over town getting the London look (aka getting pissed), getting snapped taking cocaine, hanging out with the likes of Sir Philip Green and generally being degenerate on a fabulous international scale but – like Patsy in Ab Fab – Kate Moss has never spoken of these things, a knack she apparently got from Johnny Depp, who she once dated.

But now the greatest supermodel since all those great supermodels of the 90s has spoken. And spoken to Vanity Fair. ‘I had a nervous breakdown when I was 17 or 18, when I had to go and work with Marky Mark and Herb Ritts,’ she has said. ‘It didn’t feel like me at all. I felt really bad straddling this buff guy.’ You’re going to have a nervous breakdown because you have to straddle a hot guy? Honey, we thought you were made of sterner stuff. You should have just got a bit of that London look inside of you.

‘I couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks!’ Really? What are you, Chantelle Houghton? ‘I thought I was going to die.’ Die? Over a photoshoot with Marky fricking Mark? ‘I went to the doctor and he said, ‘I’ll give you some Valium,’ and Francesca Sorrenti [Moss’s friend and mother of Mario Sorrenti], thank God, said, ‘You’re not taking that’.’ Valium? Thank god? You’re not taking that? We have an inkling you’ve been taking something a little more potent than mamma’s little helper, love.

Now you know why, if you should become a famous supermodel, you should never speak. Not even to Vanity Fair. It never turns out well.

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Rating: 10.0/10 (5 votes cast)

Now, let’s enjoy a picture of a man in a tight swimsuit for light relief.

Oh, we feel refreshed!

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Rating: 10.0/10 (6 votes cast)

Barclays bank is not going to give Stonewall any more money because those poor little Christians are all upset again.

This man is a bigot. He is spending lots of the Scottish Catholic Church’s money on bigotry. A cool £100,000 that could have been spent on alleviating the suffering of the poor (that was Jesus’s idea; we think it’s a good one) has been spent on ‘the war’ on gay marriage. Because Cardinal Keith O’Brien has a bee in his very fancy bonnet about the gays. Gay relationships are, according to him, ‘harmful to the physical, mental and spiritual well-being’ of people and are comparable with slavery and child abuse.

But don’t you call him a bigot or Barclays won’t sponsor your event. Do you understand? Look at us when we’re talking to you! Following his nomination for Bigot of the Year at this Thursday’s Stonewall Awards, the Christians are yet again the victims of a cruel, cruel world where known perverts are allowed to have their perversion recognised by law. How many prophets have to die before all this goes away?

One Mark McLane (sort out the eyebrows, love), Managing Director and Head of Global Diversity at Barclays, the bank with a flawless reputation (oh, apart from the apartheid thing. And the Bob Diamond thing. And a couple of other things that are ongoing), has come over very high-minded following complaints from poor, victimised Christians. Don’t mention slavery or child abuse to them, by the way, will you?

‘I have recently been made aware of the inclusion of a Bigot of the Year category in the awards,’ said McLane. Bearing in mind the category has always been part of the awards, it looks like someone is chucking around his company’s money without doing his research.

‘Let me be absolutely clear…’ , he went on, because everyone has to be absolutely clear these days: it’s a Cameron thing, ‘that Barclays does not support that award category either financially or in principle and have informed Stonewall that should they decide to continue with this category we will not support this event in the future.’

That’s OK, because gays will not support Barclays bank in the future. It’s what they call tit for tat. Now get the eyebrows sorted!


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What a vile, money-grubbing fame whore Chantelle Houghton is! But then you knew that.

Chantelle Houghton, the reality star who will never cry behind a closed door while she can stand on a doorstep in front of cameras and do it, has come way out of the bag on the father of her child, Alex Reid. And remember, Alex Reid is someone who went out with Jordan, so we know what we’re dealing with here.

After months of being frankly pathetic, whingeing about how a cross-dressing, cage-fighting, ex-porn star wasn’t turning out to be the best possible father in the world, Houghton (famous for being NOT famous in the Big Brother house, let us remember: she can’t even pretend to be a glamour model. And we’ve interviewed it, by the way: it is vile) has decided to let the world in on her misery via the medium of Twitter. And soon, no doubt, a highly paid interview in a magazine.

Reid, who Houghton was engaged to, apparently told her that the cross-dressing was just a publicity stunt and not a lifestyle choice. She was engaged to be married to him! But it wasn’t. She was engaged to be married to him! He also set up a sex dungeon while she had to sleep on the floor (so, book into a hotel with some of the OK engagement party money, silly tart!) and was having an affair with someone who may be a man or a woman, may be a prostitute or not a prostitute. Well, wouldn’t anyone take any chance they could get their hands on with this weepy numpty waiting for them at home?

Our advice to the useless, careerless, cheerless Ms. Houghton: shut up and get a job.

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Meet Carrie Bradshaw before Sex and the City. And yes, she’s just as irritational.

Yes, it’s the first look at The Carrie Diaries, the prequel to Sex and the City where a teenage Carrie first arrives in New York City and, having been star-spotted by a top writer from Interview magazine on her very first day while out shopping for designer labels, immediately has to choose between boys and clothes. Yawning already? You’ve not even seen the taster (which we think was filmed in the Blue Peter studio) yet. It makes Girls look like a snuff movie, that’s how realistic it is.

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Madonna + Ellen + mum dancing = mayhem!

What is it with chat show audiences? What do they give them to get them frothing at the fanny every time the host as much as picks up a glass of branded mineral water? We realise it’s because more cheering means less content but it’s working our reserve nerve. Here, for example, is Madonna helping Ellen into a wire corset over the top of her clothes. From the reaction, you’d think she’d double fisted her without the use of lube. Calm down people, please. You’re giving us a headache.

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Rating: 7.0/10 (3 votes cast)

It’s Will & Grace meets One Foot In The Grave!


Don’t you just hate that? You know, when people make things easier to imagine by comparing them to other things? You know, like how Kylie’s new album is The Greatest Hits of the Mice of Bagpuss meets Senokat? Knowwhatwe’resayin’?

What we are in fact talking about… just a minute whilst we tie our hair in a bun using Kylie’s impossibly thin voice… is a new gay sitcom that has just been commissioned by ITV. Called Vicious Old Queens (love already, right?), it stars Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi (love already, right?) and is written by Gary Janetti of Will & Grace fame (love to love you baby, right?) Oh and it’s produced by our dear friend *checks phone* Gary, which might explain why he’s been a very bad friend of late and hasn’t taken us on our weekly Dean Street Townhouse lunch to talk ‘TV ideas’ for *checks notes* weeks! And if that doesn’t make us sound like wankers, we’ll just have to try that little bit harder.

It starts sometime, we imagine it will get a 10pm slot, and is it still too early to put up our Christmas tree?

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Rating: 4.0/10 (3 votes cast)