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Wishing a very bona Christmas to all our users and abusers

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And in today’s sports news…

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Carrying a canoe.

And that concludes today’s sports news.

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Louis Smith naked. In his nude. Without the benefit of clothing. In the rude.


It’s the gift that keeps on giving. And no, that’s not a greedy bottom reference. Courtesy of the excellent Heat magazine.

Now do your worst.

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The Vatican has already likened gays to Nazis so saying they’re now Communists seems a bit half-hearted.

His Holiness the Cunt


First of all, His Holiness the Cunt would like to wish you all a very merry Baby Jesus. Unless, of course, you’re gay. Paedos, however, straight to the front of the queue.

And never one to miss a trick, the Vatican – that place that just shimmers with loot – is using this season of peace and *checks notes* joy to have another go at equal marriage. Its official newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano (want Parmesan on that, dolly?) this week splashed with yet another paranoid squeal.

‘Marriage is not a contract’ it said. They really need to speak to Heat when it comes to coverlines.

Same-sex couples live in a ‘different reality’, it continues. Physics was never our strong point (no Babs), but we didn’t think gays and straights lived in a different time and space. Why, only yesterday we took a phone call from our deeply heterosexual mother!

There’s more.

‘Saying that marriage between a woman and a man is equal to that between two homosexuals is, in fact, a denial of the truth that affects one of the basic structures of human society, the family.’

*files nails*

‘We cannot base a society on these foundations without them paying a very high price as happened in the past when there was an attempt to achieve total economic and social equality.’

ie. Communism. Alert the guard!

‘Why repeat the same mistake and chase after an unattainable utopia?’

Unattainable utopia? Here’s us thinking that was Heaven.

And in breaking news, our roving correspondent, Chicken Licken – currently walking on water over at the Vatican – reports that the Pope, in his World Day of Peace speech, says that gay marriage is a threat to ‘justice and peace’.

*makes a note of that*


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It looks like Almodovar might have got over himself enough to actually make a funny movie this time. Maybe not.

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And in today’s breaking sports news…


You could bounce penises off that thing!

And that concludes today’s breaking sports news.

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Oh, Bradley Cooper… we have a fake laugh with your name all over it.


This is Bradley Cooper on Ellen, who is not only a lesbian but a show.

He was on Ellen promoting something, but unlike in the good ol’ days (the same days you could leave your back door open and get smallpox after surprise sex with a Kray) when famouses actually held adult conversations to earn their godforsaken press, alls he had to do was take part is some skit. These skits have a lot to answer for. Graham Norton’s show for one.

Today’s skit on Ellen – which is less a show, more a bunch of shouting – involved him ‘revealing’ he had three superfluous nipples. Can you imagine how much the people who came up with this hilarious skit got paid? Makes us want to hug Starbucks…

And then… oh no, that’s it. Turns out Bradley Cooper doesn’t have three superfluous nipples. It was a joke!

Then the audience laughed. Almost like something really funny had happened.

In other breaking news, Bradley Cooper has five nipples. Oh no, sorry. Our cursor just jumped to the top of the page again.

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Two dogs kissing

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The one on the left is Miley Cyrus, the one on the right is as yet unnamed but plainly an undiscriminating slut.

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