‘Stop being homophobic you retarded freaks!’ The Queen (we’re paraphrasing)

Serious as a heart attack

As we speak, the Queen is gearing up  – trying on dresses, experimenting with false eyelashes, having the shit shellac-ed out of her nails – for a big speech and a public signing of a statement where she calls on the Commonwealth to get with the programme re equality and somesuch. Or else she will rip them a new arsehole.

In the Telly-V statement for the new Commonwealth charter she will say: ‘We are implacably opposed to all forms of discrimination, whether rooted in gender, race, colour, creed, political belief or other ground.’ By other ground she means sexuality, disability etc. It is an historic thing.

By this, she is sending a message to those Commonwealth countries in Africa and the West Indies, where going about your ordinary gay business can land you in jail or on a gallows, that this is not on. It’s all going to be countersigned by the UN in an effort to pressure those countries to step up.

We think you’re spitting in the wind, ma’am. But every little helps.

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