Gay marriage means we can marry dogs, says ex-Telegraph editor. Honey, your wife already has.


Get your hair/teeth/skin/etc sorted

Insulting is one thing. Stupid is another. Bad teeth and hair are another. But really, can we be a little more original, Charles Moore, ex-Telegraph editor and Thatcher biographer and apologist? Boris Johnson, unesteemed Mayor of Good Old London Town has been wheeling out the ‘if we allow gays to marry then why can’t a man marry his dog’ line for years now. And it was shit back when he started.

Here’s him in his Spectator column – because people like this get columns – banging on about same sex marriage as if we’re not all totally over it already. ‘Looking forward, as one always must,’ he says using the word ‘one’ instead of ‘we’ to show that he went to an expensive school, ‘I wonder if the law will eventually be changed to allow one to marry one’s dog.’ *turns pages of Reveal to see Katie Price may or may not be pregnant again*

‘Until now, this would have been considered disgusting, since marriage has been a law revolving around sexual behaviour, and sexual acts with animals are still, I believe, illegal.’ The ‘I believe’ is wit, wit-lovers. Because obviously he knows that sexual acts with animals are still illegal but he thinks it makes him sound wry to pretend that he doesn’t know for sure. We’re sorry we wore tight bodices today, our ribs are taking such a hammering.

‘But, as this column has pointed out, the unintended consequence of the same-sex marriage legislation has been to take sex out of marriage law.’ Hooray! To put it back into parks after dark where it belongs. ‘Civil servants, unable to define same-sex consummation, omitted it. So marriage, from now on, can mean no more than the legally registered decision of two people to live together while not being married to anyone else.’

No mention of dogs then. Anyway, isn’t that really what marriage is anyway? It’s not like anyone’s going round with a flashlight to make sure everyone’s getting it up the arse/vagina, is it?

It’s really not that hard, Charles. Two people, no matter what their sex, can marry if they love each other and want to be together. Now go and fuck your dog. Or your wife. If they aren’t indeed one and the same. That was wit too.

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