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J’adore you, Cher. J’couldn’t live without you but, honey, shut the fuck up!


Honestly, woman!

Let’s face it, as a non-famous person – or ‘civilian’ as famous-for-nothing Liz Hurley prefers to call you – you will never know the full horror of what it’s like to be famous. You may try and imagine it. But you will never know. Not ever. Do you understand?

Yes, never mind that they earn more from one performance than most of us will earn in our entire lives of getting up early and being nice to people who are not nice to us and never mind that they get all the best tables, free clothes thrown at them by designers, instant upgrades, people much hotter than them sleeping with them just for the Shaganory… never mind any of that stuff, life as a celebutard is hell. Real hell. Can you get that through your head?

Which is why reality show husband Kanye West lost it – just lost it – with the paparazzi this weekend. What had they done? Why they were, taking his photograph… yes, can you actually believe that anyone would do that? Take a famous person’s photograph? While he’s walking. You know, along. In public. Flash, flash, flash. There wasn’t even any money in it for him or anything.

So can anyone blame him for not taking the dignified Joan Collins approach – wafting by in big dark glasses with a ‘thanks fellas’ and a cheery smile – and opting instead to grapple with one of the photographers? Only someone with no understanding of the sheer hell of being a multi-millionaire celebrity at all would blame him for that!

And now international media celebrity and infomercial star Cher – who values nothing so much as quiet and intimacy and walking around barefoot with barely a scrap of make-up on, flowers, butterflies, a fine wine with a sunset, the laughter of children and the sound of cash registers racking up album sales – has waded in on Twitter, the medium where celebrities can actually speak to the people.

Those photographers are apparently ‘parasites, who steal our most precious gifts, “time & privacy”‘. No, we’re not sure about those quote marks either. Maybe she doesn’t mean real time & privacy. Maybe it’s figurative. Maybe celebrity time & privacy is so different to civilian time & privacy that we need those quotes just to remind us.

It’s a harrowing story to be sure but there is one bit of advice that we always give celebrities who, while doing promotional interviews, complain that they have no privacy anymore: go away! Go away and never be heard of again.

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J'adore you, Cher. J'couldn't live without you but, honey, shut the fuck up!, 7.8 out of 10 based on 8 ratings

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