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And in today’s sports news…

Green to make the boys keen

Triathlon, probably.

And that concludes today’s sports news.

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Adele to play Dusty? We don’t think so! And here’s why…

This old thing?

We j’adore Adele. You know we do. Wouldn’t change a single thing about her. Thinking about going as her to Hallowe’en this year. But playing Dusty Springfield in a movie? Really? That’s what folks is saying. Apparently, it’s going to be written by someone who works on Boardwalk Empire and is going to focus on the making of the revered Dusty in Memphis album, you know, the one with ‘Son of a Preacher Man’ on it.

Firstly, they don’t look the same (we’re not going there, don’t worry). Secondly, they don’t sound the same. Thirdly, Adele told us herself she would never act in a movie because she’s a shit actress (she went to the Brits school, remember, so she has been put through her paces). And fourthly, we have written a part for her in our new film and we are going to hold her to an unspoken contract we had her commit to without her knowledge.

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Topless men running in skintight Lycra through the streets of Barcelona. And acting like dicks.

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Carbs are homophobic, s’official.

Carbs are homophobic, s'official.

To those who don’t go around rhyming carbs with Marbs, you will be familiar with pasta. To those of you in the United States of America or Italy, you might also be familiar with Barilla, a pasta-making company. Those of us in Her Majesty’s Britain are more inclined towards supermarket own-brands, so spin on that, Guido Barilla.

Oh, Guido Barilla.

That’s him up there. And this is us down here, laughing at his hair.

He’s the MD or CEO or Cunt who heads up Barilla, and he was asked only *checks watch* yesterday on a radio station what he thinks about gays. Quite what it was apropos of we’re not sure, but since when has context mattered in these troubled times?

‘I would never do an advert with a homosexual family,’ said Guido. ‘If the gays don’t like it they can go and eat another brand.

‘For us the concept of the sacred family remains one of the fundamental values of the company.

‘Everyone has the right to do what they want without disturbing those around them,’ he continued, before shifting from cunt to prize cunt.

‘(But) I have no respect for adoption by gay families because this concerns a person who is not able to choose.’

Now imagine the good people of this world calling for a boycott of all Barilla products.

Then imagine the panic all over Guido Barilla’s hair, ergo the following apology via Facebook:

‘With reference to my statements yesterday, I apologize if my words have offended some people.

‘For clarity I would like to point out that I have the deepest respect for all people, without distinction of any kind.

‘I have the utmost respect for homosexuals and freedom of expression.

‘I also said, and repeat, that I have respect for marriages between people of the same sex.’

In other words, replace ‘homosexuals’ with ‘profit’ in the penultimate sentence, and it’s Guido ‘homophobe’ Barilla to a T. Maybe one of those Ts made out of pasta, the kind small children who just want to be loved enjoy.



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Who wants to see Meryl Streep as a witch in a new Stephen Sondheim musical?

Grey hair needs to be short, short, short

Here she is as a witch in Into the Woods, a musical by Stephen ‘Sweeney Todd’ Sondheim, which is being made into a Disney movie. By Disney. She needs some Aveda Shampure in that hair is all we’re saying.

And doesn’t that sound a great idea? A Stephen Sondheim musical made into a movie with Meryl Streep! And then you see the two words that strike dread into the heart of any movie-goer: ‘Johnny’ and ‘Depp’. Ugh!

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‘It’s Versace, ladies. Why don’t you go by the store? Your husbands will be happy.’ House of Versace is this year’s Showgirls!

It has lipstick, it has sex, it has men, it has women, it has more lipstick and it has the worst aging make-up you’ll ever see. And it has Gina Gershon as Nutella Versace. We know, because we were there.

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‘He’s got arms. He’s got arms!’ (It’s from Ab Fab. You should know that!)

Unfortunately no waist!

He is Joe Manganiello and you’ll know him from movies such as Magic Mike and Spider-Man 3 or maybe from playing a police officer in E.R. back in the day or for his work as a detective in The Girl with the Tramp Stamp Tattoo. Or all of the above.

Here he is in proper acting mode as Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire on stage and none of your nonsense. And those are his arms.

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Selfie du jour

If gym mirrors could talk

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