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Kylie Minogue is the new coach on The Voice. A show about the voice, the whole voice, and nothing but the voice.


Kylie Minogue is the new coach on The Voice. A show about the voice, the whole voice, and nothing but the voice.

Kylie Minogue is to replace Jessie J on the new series of The Voice, a show which already works our reserve nerve owing to being bollocks.

We were threatened with this a while back, and what now follows is not so much a facsimile of our reaction at the time as a cut ‘n’ paste of our reaction at the time.

The Voice was borne out of criticism against shows such as X Factory, Come Dine With Me and Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model that are often contradictions in terms and sometimes even force people to write the word talent in inverted commas. It would be a show from Her Majesty’s BBC, just about the voice, judged by famouses who have good voices. How they came up with the title is beyond us, but really they do insist the show is about the voice.

Which is why replacing Jessie J on a show called The Voice with a tip-top starlet whose voice is so thin we’re flossing our teeth with it as we speak is oxymoronic. Emphasis on the moronic.

And while many of you out there found Jessie J to be plaster cast-irritating, she at the very least has a great voice.

So not only has all integrity been thrown out with Jessie J’s cutthroat bob, but all contestants now have carte blanche to say any of the following if Kylie doesn’t spin round on that chair quicker than a rat on a Ryvita biscuit down a very steep drainpipe.

‘This, coming from Kylie?’

‘This, coming from Kylie Minogue?’

‘This coming from Dannii’s sister?’

‘Why is Dannii a judge on a show about modelling?’

‘Sorry dear, I don’t do rising intonations.’

‘This coming from that bird off Neighbours?’

Ad infinitum.

*claps slowly*

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Rating: 3.0/10 (10 votes cast)

Kylie Minogue is the new coach on The Voice. A show about the voice, the whole voice, and nothing but the voice., 3.0 out of 10 based on 10 ratings

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16 comments to “Kylie Minogue is the new coach on The Voice. A show about the voice, the whole voice, and nothing but the voice.”

  1. Bearing in mind those Minogue sisters have little to no talent between them, they don’t half get a lot of work. Such a great message to the kids…

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    Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)
  2. Yet more Kylie bile from this blog. Are you Will Baker or something?

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    Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)
  3. Are you kidding ME?!?! Kylie is a LEGEND. She has been SUCCESSFUL in the music industry for over 25 years!! The future contestants are extremely lucky to have someone that has that much experience and a mastery of how to survive in pop music that long.

    The author of this article is a complete moron! You’ve clearly never been been to one of her top grossing World Tours where she SINGS 25 song sets completely live and in tune.

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    Rating: 4.1/5 (9 votes cast)
  4. She is great and she CAN sing!

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    Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)
  5. At 2:54 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSkh7LkxDI

    This is taken from her show during technical difficulties where she stayed to entertain the audience:

    Improvised, no editing, filmed from the audience, acapella, live.

    She gets nasal sometimes for vocal shortcuts during her tours (which usually amount to a number of 60 or 70 concerts). Her tours sell a lot better than her recent albums because people like her as a great live performer.

    No, she’s no Mariah or Barbara Streisand but her voice has much better skill than your average pop singer.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KY3thZOjcnc

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  6. How would she know how to help anyone with their career when she’s had fuck all to do with her own? It’s been a case of, “Stand there. Say that. Sing that and we’ll put it through the dishwasher then you can mime it on stage”.

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    Rating: 3.3/5 (7 votes cast)
  7. Even Kylie isn’t deluded enough to think she can sing.

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    Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)
  8. She doesn’t mime and if you think she had nothing to do with her career then you haven’t heard anything she’s done since 1997. Since then, she’s maintained a nice balance between satisfying mainstream audiences and her own creative drive. She writes about 50% of her songs in each album (with the exception of her most recent one which she wrote 3 and the album Impossible Princess were she wrote and composed every single track). She does large, mainstream gigs (her tours and other gigs in talent shows) but has also done a numerous smaller jobs (gay clubs, pubs, her Anti tour and also working with less conventional artists like Towa Tei, Nick Cave and Hurts).

    A woman that has nothing to do with her career doesn’t leave her commercial label to join Deconstruction records. She doesn’t start a 34 concert tour immediately after a cancer treatment. She doesn’t perform in Japan after it’s been hit by a tsunami. She doesn’t arrange small intimate concerts performing only unreleased and rare tracks (zero hits) for her dedicated fans.

    You have every right to call her music crap but calling her a completely artificial sockpuppet is simply incorrect.

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    Rating: 3.9/5 (7 votes cast)
  9. If ANYONE is stupid enough to use lipsynching as an insult on Kylie, they clearly know absolutely nothing about her or her music. It’s a pathetic, desperate copout.

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    Rating: 3.7/5 (6 votes cast)
  10. Also Will.I.Am literally cannot carry a note and his not known for his voice but his production. Also agree with every word from Josh.

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    Rating: 5.0/5 (4 votes cast)
  11. I do love to see the Kylie fanatics frothing at the fanny – do we think the fan-club has been mobilised and told to troll any site even daring to suggest that the plastic one is anything less than a goddess?

    Some people are satirical. Get over it.

    (Although the lovely people at Me-Me-Me are absolutely right…just so you know…)

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    Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)
  12. ” do we think the fan-club has been mobilised and told to troll any site even daring to suggest that the plastic one is anything less than a goddess?”

    I’ll repeat what I said. “You have every right to call her music crap but calling her a completely artificial sockpuppet is simply incorrect.”

    Nothing wrong with criticizing her and not liking her. If I disagree with someone I see no reason why not to correct their ignorance. That’s what a comment section is for. I think I’ve used decent enough arguments to be seen as more than a blind fanboy.

    Anyway, you may think what you want I guess…

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    Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
  13. Has she been cruel to little furry animals? I don’t think so. Not a great voice [shock] but has released some great tracks, [I’ve danced to them] and some crap ones, was very brave and honest about her breast cancer so why the all the vitriol?

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    Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)
  14. Wait a minute…. Someone has cancer, milks it like a bastard, ergo is immune from all criticism? Oh please.

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    Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)
  15. Wait just one more motherfucking moment (some) people.
    All that happened here is that MeMeMe pointed out rather funnily that Kylie has a shit voice and that it’s more than a little bit ironic that she’s going to be a judge on The Voice. They didn’t accuse her of genocide for Chrissakes, choose your battles Kylie crazies!!! (You don’t wanna be put in the same camp as One Direction fans, right?)

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    Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)
  16. Liza No Z: If I was saying “Shut up, you stupid, Kylie is a Goddess” then I would understand your comment. I simply disagreed with the article and said why. Is there anyway to say something positive without being considered blind or in a bubble?

    As for the “milking cancer” argument. I don’t think she has. She spoke about it when it was relevant (and a bit more recently because she did a lot of “my life so far” interviews as she was celebrating 25 years of her music career) and then talked about it only when she was asked. She has said herself that “cancer is not a soundbite” which is why she tries to give articulate and well thought out answers when she’s asked about it.

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