Kylie Minogue is to replace Jessie J on the new series of The Voice, a show which already works our reserve nerve owing to being bollocks.
We were threatened with this a while back, and what now follows is not so much a facsimile of our reaction at the time as a cut ‘n’ paste of our reaction at the time.
The Voice was borne out of criticism against shows such as X Factory, Come Dine With Me and Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model that are often contradictions in terms and sometimes even force people to write the word talent in inverted commas. It would be a show from Her Majesty’s BBC, just about the voice, judged by famouses who have good voices. How they came up with the title is beyond us, but really they do insist the show is about the voice.
Which is why replacing Jessie J on a show called The Voice with a tip-top starlet whose voice is so thin we’re flossing our teeth with it as we speak is oxymoronic. Emphasis on the moronic.
And while many of you out there found Jessie J to be plaster cast-irritating, she at the very least has a great voice.
So not only has all integrity been thrown out with Jessie J’s cutthroat bob, but all contestants now have carte blanche to say any of the following if Kylie doesn’t spin round on that chair quicker than a rat on a Ryvita biscuit down a very steep drainpipe.
‘This, coming from Kylie?’
‘This, coming from Kylie Minogue?’
‘This coming from Dannii’s sister?’
‘Why is Dannii a judge on a show about modelling?’
‘Sorry dear, I don’t do rising intonations.’
‘This coming from that bird off Neighbours?’
Kylie Minogue is the new coach on The Voice. A show about the voice, the whole voice, and nothing but the voice.,