Spencer Stout – which passes for a name these days – is from Salt Lake Key Lime Island, or somewhere, in The Americas.
Dustin – no surname given – is his boyfriend.
Dustin was dollying about his business like any common-or-hotter-than-his-boyfriend gay, fingering sundries in Pottery Barn, chewing Hubba Bubbas, pinching his cheeks for that just-got-out-of-the-shower glow, when all of a sudden he found himself in an impossible situation. On top of a ladder in the lumber aisle of Home Depot – which isn’t even a euphemism!
And there, in front of his left and right eyes, all the dollies of Utah put on a level of colour and movement that set the gay rights movement back 50 years, all so that Spencer Stout – still a name – could propose to him as part of a sequence that is at least 2 minutes 43 seconds too long.
Because, in this enlightened age of showing off, you can’t just take your other ‘alf down Wimpy’s and stick a ring in an overdone patty then have a celebratory bum in the bus shelter from whence, nine months later, a kitten arrives. You’ve got to put on a song and a dance, literally. Otherwise how will they know you love them?
In conclusion, if our non-existent boyfriend ever pulls a stunt like this we will have no choice but to never bum him again. Amen.
In conclusion #2: Spencer, honey, when you’re going on the telly you rethink the suit.
The poor bastard couldn't really say no...,