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Watch your back, Carrie Bradshaw. David Gandy’s after your ’90s cliches!


Watch your back, Carrie Bradshaw. David Gandy's after your '90s cliches!

We don’t know about you, but we can’t even bring ourselves to crack open our Baileys of a morning without some wise words from David Gandy, the man who took the dolly out of male modelling and the penis out of white Speedos.

The man who can be found lurking in a three-piece at every opening of a glittering air vent is like the 21st century Apollo, his just-stepped-out-of-a-salon demi-wave a modern-day Pythia. (Work with us here. There’s only so much you can garner from Clash of the Titans.) David speaks, the world listens. David thinks, donc he is.

Yesterday, the Daily Telegraph was David Gandy’s Delphi, the subject of his unparalleled erudition ‘The Definition of an English Gentleman’. We don’t know about you, but until we read this we were just cunts walking around in old bits of papoose.

‘What I have learned is that being a gentleman isn’t about what you do, or what you wear, it’s about how you behave and who you are,’ says David Gandy, with at least one smoky eye.

‘True British gentlemen are becoming more of a rarity,’ he suggests. Perhaps it’s a matter for the police?

‘Social standing and success seem to be based upon what you own and what you wear rather than how you carry yourself through life and what you have achieved,’ he argues, while signing another million-pound contract to flog Dolce and Gabbana tat that fits into your morals and your handbag.

‘All of this got me thinking,’ he went on, his eyes blinking in the dewy glow of a MacBook Air.  ‘Do gentlemen still have a place in today’s world?’

‘And if so, what are the attributes that go together to make a true English gentleman?’

And, without us even having to ask (such a gentleman!) David Gandy goes on to define what maketh the English gentleman, in nine easy-to-digest categories. Quite why he couldn’t manage a round ten ain’t nobody’s business but his chickens’.

1) Style and Appearance

‘As the saying goes, “You can buy fashion, but you can’t buy style.”

‘People follow each other far too often in today’s world. Needing acceptance from their peers, they act like sheep. One goes and the others follow. It’s a tribal mentality.’

The boy has a point.

*points at gay in three-quarter cargo pants, Superdry blouson, Air Max trainees and designer-imposter protein shake*

2) Work

‘A gentleman is not restricted by limits. He doesn’t understand the words “that cannot be done”. He is in control, but not afraid to learn and accept advice, and is respectful of others while taking full responsibility for everything, calmly.’

*spots typo; slaps workie*

3) Travel

‘The educational benefits that comes (sic) from travel and exploring the world can’t be underestimated.’

Maddie McCann will be the judge of that.

4) Status Symbols

‘You will rarely see a gentleman overtly showing his success or wealth; he’s more likely to shy away from displays of good fortune, preferring to be judged on reputation instead.’

And you got this column in the Daily Telegraph through hard journalistic graft, right? David? David, you there?

5) Selflessness and Humility

‘A gentleman will probably never realise how much he inspires and enriches the lives of others just from being himself.’

Who broke it to you, David?

6) Family and Friends

‘A gentleman would be described by his immediate friends as the most generous of all people.’

He’s blinding us with science!

7) Failure

‘A gentleman is never afraid to fail. As Winston Churchill said, “Success consists of stumbling from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”‘

And as Cher says in Clueless, ‘I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&Ms and, like, three pieces of liquorice.’

8) Principles

‘It’s strange to quote a woman when talking about gentlemen, but then Margaret Thatcher probably has bigger balls than most. She once said, “When I leave Downing Street I’m going to start a company called ‘Rent a Back Bone’.”

This from the woman who said that any man over the age of 30 who finds himself on a bus can consider himself a failure in life. Nice.

9) Chivalry

‘Some of the most powerful men in history always had one woman who they respected and cherished; a woman who was their support and strength.’

Some of these men were also big old gays. Get over it!

So, in conclusion, is David Gandy a true gentleman?

‘I’m honoured if people describe me as a gentleman.’

But would a gentleman insist on the following fact box at the end of 1,000 words of utter bollocks? We rest our Louis Vuitton case, m’lud.

The world’s only international male supermodel, David Gandy rose to fame as Dolce and Gabbana’s muse and face of their Light Blue fragrance. He was the only male model to take part in the 2012 Olympics closing ceremony and is an official ambassador for London Collections:Men. A regular, global magazine cover star and brand ambassador, he also writes for Vogue.com and reviews cars for GQ.com.

 

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Watch your back, Carrie Bradshaw. David Gandy's after your '90s cliches!, 10.0 out of 10 based on 5 ratings

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4 comments to “Watch your back, Carrie Bradshaw. David Gandy’s after your ’90s cliches!”

  1. “David Gandy: the definition of a cunt”

    ‘You will rarely see a gentleman overtly showing his success or wealth; he’s more likely to shy away from displays of good fortune, preferring to be judged on reputation instead.’

    Ah, okay, thanks David. http://cdni.condenast.co.uk/642×390/d_f/David%20Gandy%20642.jpg

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    Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
  2. I’ve met him. He’s a gentleman. A very very boring one.

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    Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
  3. A gentleman is so 1995

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    Rating: 5.0/5 (4 votes cast)
  4. He’s such a bell-end, and not in a good way.

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    Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)

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