This is Alex Mytton. He is off-of Made In Chelsea. So far, so cunty.
What stands between the hideous chunks you see on your left and the tip-top starlet with a burgeoning selfie obsession on your right is Men’s Health, itself a miracle of the magazine world.
Over the course of four – yes, four! – weeks, Alex followed a rigorous diet of dieting and a grueling fitness regime full of gruel to gain a bikini body fit for the pages of Britain’s leading *checks press release* men’s health magazine.
‘I stuck to liquor,’ he revealed, as the Men’s Health make-up artist wiped excess bronzer off her brush and onto Alex’s kitten-soft cotton trackies, just to the right of his penis.
‘It gives you better results than guzzling beer.’
*makes a note of that*
Who needs 5:2 when you've got a Men's Health fluffer with a bronzing stick.,