Before you rush out and buy the calendar or programme the video to record the hastily recorded (not planned. In no way planned) Jonathan Ross Show or set your Sky+ for the new series of Splash, let’s take a moment to think about what non-gay Tom Daley has done. Is his ‘coming out’ ultimately a bit like Madonna’s ‘I lost my virginity as a career move’? Only without the honesty, the fun and the self-deprecation? Or are we just being trolls, albeit with much better hair?
‘It was love at first sight. I’ve never felt anything like it,’ said non-gay Tom Daley to Jonathan Ross (who usually books up his guests way in advance but then that Oscar-worthy video – who on earth can have written it? – only surfaced on Monday) ‘And I made the first move!’ Cruising the Kids Choice Awards for cock, non-gay Tom? That’s what a gay man would do, so maybe there’s hope for you yet.
‘At the end of the night, we hadn’t even talked, and I don’t normally do this, but I wrote in his notes with my number and put “call me” with a wink face,’ he went on. In a very non-gay way of course, though we’re not sure where he’s learning these moves from. ‘And then I had a text in the morning and I was like, “I can’t believe I just did that”…’ Do you know what, brave non-gay Thomas, we can. You have, at the end of the day, never been slow at coming forward. For a bronze medalist.
‘To be honest, everything is all pretty new and I don’t see any point in putting a label on it,’ continued non-gay Tom. ‘Gay, bi or straight.’ Well, we can narrow it down. Affairs between two men tend not to be straight, so that’s out. ‘Bi’ refers to an identity, whereas ‘gay’ is generally used as an adjective to describe something to do with same-sex attraction. Bearing in mind this is an affair between two people of the same sex, we think, grammatically, the word you’re looking for is ‘gay’.However distasteful that word may be to you.
But don’t let us – or any of the people who suffered and fought for your dolly little gay rights, non-gay Tom – rain on your highly lucrative parade. And don’t worry about that last bit, non-gay Tom: it’s a gay reference to a Barbra Streisand song, so you won’t get it.
So, non-gay Tom Daley, what was it exactly that made you fall in love 'at first sight' with multi-millionaire Oscar-winning writer Dustin Lance Black? Not in a gay way, obviously.,