What really happened when Gwyneth Paltrow freaked out about Vanity Fair running a story on her?

Not new but old

So, Gwyneth – love her, met her, know her friends, once went out with a member of her staff, won’t hear a word against her – apparently got her organic, naturally sourced, non-third-world manufactured panties in a twist when she heard that Vanity Fair was going to do a piece on her. For why? We shall never know. But Graydon Carter, editor of that fine organ, who we also won’t hear a word against (well, maybe just the one), has come clean about the whole hoo-ha. Some might say farrago.

‘Not to bore you with the details,’ quoth Carter, who knows how easily *yawns* bored we are, ‘but the whole Vanity Fair–Gwyneth Paltrow brouhaha began innocently enough at a routine morning editorial meeting last spring.’ Such insights! It’s like we’re actually there! ‘We were reviewing assignments and batting around story ideas, and at one point I idly mentioned that I would be interested in reading something on Gwyneth Paltrow.’ Really? Oh, OK!

‘What began so innocently quickly took a turn, however: Once the story was assigned…’ This is now a press release from Vanity Fair and we actually would have used different punctuation there, but hey… Who are we? ‘…the writer reached out to Paltrow’s representatives and friends, and Paltrow sent the now-infamous email to her show-business pals.’

Back to Mr. Carter (not to be confused with Beyonce): ‘She asked that they not speak to Vanity Fair about her, or about anything else ever again. Ever. Never,’ writes Carter. ‘Kim Jong-un couldn’t have issued a more blanket demand.’ Hey, hands off the Kardashians, Carter!

Anyways, it all ends happily with a kicky little phone conversation between them. Phew! Right? ‘In October, Gwyneth called me,’ says GC. ‘We talked for about 20 minutes about the story and her reaction, or over-reaction, to it. At one point, she asked my advice as to what to do to get the “haters” on her side. I suggested putting on 15 pounds. I joked that it works for me. She replied I had put on much more than that. Which I thought was fair and funny.’

We swear, it’s like being at the Algonquin Round Table sometimes… (and if you didn’t get that, we would like to warn you that Alexa GlamFairy on Jerseylicious once made that joke. Now how superior do you feel?)

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