Lynne Featherstone MP, representing Her Majesty’s Royal Borough of Muswell Hill and surrounds on behalf of the Liberal Democrats, would officially like to say thank you for all the help the world has given her in securing fairness, liberty, equality, nice consumer goods and continuing entertainment for the gays. All in a day’s work for Lynne. No gratitude necessary. Well, maybe a little bit. Oh go on then – LOADS!
‘When I became a minister back in 2010,’ she said in a message sent out to all her constituents, wherever they may be (there’s no ‘I’ in politics, Lynne), ‘legalising equal (same-sex) marriage was my priority.’ That was her priority. OK? Some people have priorities. Get over it!
‘With help from other politicians…’ SUCH kindness! ‘…campaigning groups…’ Not the campaigning groups that have been campaigning since, ooh, before 2010 when the world as we know it began? ‘…and individuals…’ Even individuals were in on the game, helping Lynne in her struggle. Yes, to recap, ‘With help from other politicians, campaigning groups and individuals, I saw the Bill through the Home Office, and it then became law.’ That should be ‘I, Lynne Featherstone MP’, in case there was any room for doubt.
Such selflessness, Lynne. You are a brick. But no… no… please. Ladies and gentlemen, can we stop the cheering for one moment just so Lynne can finish? Please? PLEASE! Thank you.
‘You go into politics to make the world a better place,’ she continued. Oh, do you Lynne? Is that why you go into politics? Has anyone got a Handy Andy? This is going to get emotional. ‘And on Saturday that happened. The world is a better place today than it was…’ (thanks to Lynne and… oh, some other people) ‘…because now two people who love each other – regardless of their gender – can get married!’
And to celebrate, Lynne went to not one but two gay weddings over the weekend. Not that we’re doing a lap of honour or anything, it’s just that some of her best friends are gay. ‘One of the same sex weddings I went to was quite a production – literally.’ She’s a card, this one.
‘It was the wedding of Benjamin and Nathan (who happen to be my constituents!)’ Not to mention fans, Lynne. Wouldn’t be surprised if they were Liberal Democrats to boot. ‘They had written and composed their entire wedding as a musical and wanted to share it with us all…’ But especially with you, Lynne, The Saviour of All Gays now and forever more.
That musical wedding was shown last night on Channel 4. You see! Gays may now be able to get married (thanks to Lynne and her tireless… oh, you know the rest), but they have lost none of their sense of fun or glamour or camp.
And for that we must thank Lynne. Three cheers to Ms. Featherstone. Hip…
Lynne Featherstone would hereby like to claim credit for all gay equality anywhere at any time throughout history. Drop trou and take a bow.,